


Ghost Stories

by A Magiluna Stormwriter (ariestess)



Category: The Division (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-28
Updated: 2011-10-28
Packaged: 2017-10-25 01:15:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/270068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariestess/pseuds/A%20Magiluna%20Stormwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Filthy Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)  
>  Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Track One: Filthy Mind

"My fingers are burnt.  
Forgot what I learnt.  
I'll never be satisfied.  
Become a recluse.  
Enjoy the abuse.  
It's better to just get high…  
Welcome to my filthy mind."

 

 _Writhing. Sweet, hot ecstasy. Lightning explodes behind my eyelids._ This is it, _I think disjointedly_. The supernova melt into nothingness.

 _Her fingers curl around my nipples, teasing mercilessly. Her tongue is even better, dipping and swirling around my clit. I'm so close; I'm near tears at the sensation. I can't keep still no matter how much she tells me to. I want all of her: on me, in me, surrounding me, possessing me. And I tell her; beg her, whining incoherently like a bitch in heat._

 _She just laughs, that low, throaty chuckle that drives me insane, and warns me to be patient, that I'll get what I want and deserve -- when she's ready. And then she begins a languid path of butterfly kisses up the length of my body. It refocuses me on my overwhelming need as she sets my skin on fire, a white-hot inferno that threatens to consume me._

 _When she finally reaches my face, I feel faint with the need, the hunger. I almost don't hear her lowly murmured command. Reluctant, but unwilling to lose her powerful touch, I force my eyes open, only to fall into fathomless blue._

 _She holds me on the brink of nirvana for painfully breathless… minutes? days? eternities? I don't know. But I quiver, trembling on the edge of oblivion, safe in the embrace of her tender cruelty. I could almost stay here forever, knowing she'll allow me no harm. And yet I crave that one gentle push to send me plummeting into the blazing abyss. I beg incoherently for her divine benediction, worthless nothing that I am, until finally she takes pity on me._

 _"Come for me."_

 _Three words. Out of the millions of possibilities._

 _And I shatter like the most delicate crystal. Stripped to the barest atoms of my existence. Torn asunder and scattered across the universe. My heart stops. My lungs deflate. My synapses burn out. Reduced to oblivion's shadow, I float without meaning._

 _And I don't care._

 _Insistent wet heat brings me back. Each atom recalled and reformed into the familiarity of me. But it's not me. Not the me from before this. Pulled back through the stifling inferno, this is reforming of the whole again. Each agonizing breath fans the flames of renewal, of cleansing, of redemption. Soul-searing in its intensity, it burns off the impurities, scorching my wishes to turn back to the oblivious floating. And I'm helpless to escape its mesmerizing pull until once again I feel that wet heat._

 _And suddenly, clarity returns in the realization that the wet heat is tears… My tears._

 _Supernova, my ass. Phoenix rising out of the flames is more like it._

Suddenly I find myself staring blearily at the loudest fucking alarm clock in the history of… Well, of time. Do they not understand the simple notion of decent sleep in this place?

"Come on, Narc," comes the gruff voice at the door. "Get your ass up and ready for group."

Oh goodie! More sharing of bullshit with people I don't give a shit about. Hasn't it been long enough yet? Haven't they gotten as bored with their stories yet as I have?

"Buzz off, Mary," I snarl back, head still buried under the covers. "I got time for a shower still."

"Hurry up and you might be on time for once. But hey, there's always a first for everything, right?"

I flip her the bird and _know_ she's grinning at me. Shifting, I manage to sit up and angrily push the hair back out of my face. "I'm up, okay? Now go piss someone else off, would ya?"

"No one else to piss off. They all know how to get up on time."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I mutter, grabbing my stuff, and shuffle toward the showers. "Everybody's gotta be a fucking comedian around here."

"Careful, or I'll tell Doc what you said," is her parting shot as I close the door behind me.

Turning the water on as cold as I can, I step under the spray and barely manage to hold back a shocked scream at just how frigid that water is. Well, I'm certainly awake now. Knowing there's no chance that I'll doze off and potentially drown, I turn the dial a full one-eighty to the hottest I can stand and reach for my shampoo. As I rush through my shower, I do my best to ignore the dream still wrapping itself sinuously around my brainstem, among other things. I utterly refuse to even consider who it was in the dream with me. It was simply a product of the lack of alcohol in my system, that's all.

And I need the alcohol to deal with the dreams and what they might actually mean. I can't function without it; I don't know who I am if I'm not drinking. I'm afraid of who I'll become without alcohol, or if anyone else will still want to have anything to do with me. I don't want to lose everything I've always known to be me.

"Jinny?"

Oh shit! I begin to scrub at the lather in my hair, hard enough to scratch my scalp. That's gonna burn for the rest of the day.

"Were you planning on coming to group? Or would you rather I bring group to you? I’m sure the guys would love it."

"I'll just be a few more seconds, Mac," I holler, and nearly drown myself in the process. "Honest!" Where the hell has the time gone? And then I can hear Mary laughing in the door way. Fucker'd lied to me! "And you can kiss my ass, Mary! You'll pay for that!"

"Promises, promises!"

"Knock it off, you two!"

I quickly dry myself and throw sweats and a t-shirt onto mostly damp skin before pulling the curtain back. Stepping out, I roughly towel dry my hair, and hope it'll end up drier than my skin so far, when I come face to face with my other major torment in this hellhole of a rehab facility.

Dr. Kelly "Mac" MacKenzie. Shrink extraordinaire and Public Pain-in-My-Ass Number One. Mary is a close second. A _really_ close second.

"Look, I'm sorry, but Mary said I'd have time for a shower. I -- I didn't sleep well." I don't want to admit this, cannon fodder for group that it is, but I certainly have no better excuse. I know the rules. And if I want to get out of here and get back to my life, I need to follow the rules.

"Another nightmare?"

"You could say that." Yeah, if the ultimate in sexual intimacy is a bad thing, this was the granddaddy of all nightmares. But I don't dare tell her that. I don't want to live with the fallout of _that_ blast. She'll probably get off on it.

"So are you going to tell me what it was? Or do I have to play Twenty Questions while the rest of the group waits on you?" Her voice is calm, deceptively so, but I can still hear that annoyingly grating tone to it.

I quickly pull a comb through my hair, swearing under my breath as I hit more snarls that I would if I could take my time, and I refuse to meet her eyes. "Maybe later? I mean, we wouldn't want to keep the others waiting now, would we?" I reply, tossing her own words right back at her. I can feel those green eyes of hers boring into the back of my head, and pray fervently that she'll let it go just this once. Realizing I can dawdle no longer, I gather up my things and t urn to face her. "Listen, Mac, I'm gonna drop my stuff off in my room, then I'll be down for group, okay?"

"You _will_ tell me what's going on, Jinny," she replies in a neutral tone, but lets me pass.

Great, now I'm in deep shit with my shrink. Yay me.

I just wish there was a way I could explain this to her without sounding like a complete fucking loony. I seriously doubt there is a way to do it, not if she intends me to stay sober while I do it. And staying sober is kind of the point of this place, isn't it? After tossing my stuff on my bed, I slip into a hoodie and head down the hall to group, still trying desperately not to think about that damned dream and what it means. Like it would last for very long anyway… "Welcome to Jinny Exstead's brilliant fucking life," I mutter, taking the only empty seat in the room, which is thankfully as far I can possibly get from Mac and still be part of the group.

"Well," Mac starts, "now that everyone's here, why don't we continue where we left off yesterday? Dave, I think you were telling us how you came to be here."

Rolling my eyes, I slump down into my chair and do my best to listen to his story. But really, I don't give a rat's ass why Dave's here. Or Sarah, or Chad, or Pat, or Michelle, or anyone else that's in this room. All I care about is getting through this and getting my piece and my badge back. I'm still pretty pissed at Magda and CD for setting up that damned intervention, but what could I do? The Captain was gonna fire me if I didn't comply. And no way in hell am I gonna lose my job for anything as stupid as drinking. Yeah, maybe I have a little problem with alcohol, but it isn't anything I can't handle. They didn't need to go that far. Especially…

"Jinny?"

My head snaps up and I stare at Mac. Then I notice everyone else is staring at me like I'm some sort of science experiment. "What?" I spit out angrily, more angry at myself for getting caught than at any of them.

"I believe it's time for you to tell us why _you're_ here."

I shake my head and glance up at the clock. Fuck! Where did the past half an hour go? "Can I do this another time? I'm really not up to it right now." Not with the dreams fucking with my sleep, that's for sure.

Mac regards me for a long moment, and I fight the urge to squirm like a bug under a magnifying glass. "Well, considering no one else has been able to beg off of this, why should I let you? Unless you'd rather tell us about the nightmares that keep causing your sleepless nights?"

Oh fuck me gently with a chainsaw. She has me, and we both fucking know it.

Glaring at her, I slouch down further in my chair, but don't meet anyone's gaze. "Fine. You wanna know why I'm here? That's easy. My _partner_ thought I couldn't handle my alcohol. So did my captain, my coworkers, and my family. Yeah, that's right. They ambushed me and, among other things, I got told that if I didn't go through rehab, I'd lose my job. There you go. The story of how fucked up Jinny Exstead got her ass locked up in this hellhole of a rehab. End of fucking story." I turn a dark glare on Mac, growling, "Happy now?" And then I lower my gaze again, slumping even further into my chair, and cross my arms tightly over my chest.

The room is dead silent for a few long seconds, and then I hear the sound of a single person clapping. Oh, I know it's Mac, and she's clearly being sarcastic. Fuck, I hate when she does that shit. I refuse to meet her gaze again, though. I'm not about to give her the satisfaction of knowing she's gotten me to lose my temper. Hell, she probably knows it already anyway.


	2. Idol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)
> 
> Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Track Two: Idol

"But I don't want to wait  
For I have lost my faith.  
Why can't I find an idol?  
Somebody that I can look up to.  
Be big enough  
To hold me close in their arms  
And never let me down."

 

I really must have pissed somebody off. Somebody powerful, I mean. Otherwise, I wouldn't be stuck in this stupid rehab with a real bitch of a shrink. Yeah, she doesn't understand the word "no" unless she's saying it herself. And yeah, I probably could have found a different place to do my rehab, but I didn't. And so I got stuck with Bitch MacKenzie.

"So tell me, Jinny. These nightmares you keep having, are they alcohol related?"

Wouldn't _that_ make things easier for me? And really, how the fuck should I know if they're alcohol related or not? She's the shrink, isn't she? All I know is that they're driving me nuts. Which I've already told her. Several times, in fact. And she laughed at me when I did, that low, sensual chuckling that reminds me of C… "No!"

"No?" she asks, gazing at me passively. "They're not alcohol related? Then what?"

"That's not what I meant."

 _Come on_ , I grumble mentally, _ask me what I mean._

"Then what did you mean?"

"Do you hafta be that predictable?"

"It's my job, Jinny, just like it's your job to answer my questions."

"You know what?" I growl, shooting to my feet to start pacing. "Fuck this! I don't need to be answering any damned questions, okay? Just let me get through this so I can get my damned badge back. That's all I want."

"That, and a drink."

"Yeah." Wait! That stops me in my tracks. What did she say? "What?"

"All you want is your badge back and a good stiff drink, right? Something strong, I'll bet. Vodka maybe? You don't seem like the scotch type." I can feel that critical gaze on me again, and my skin starts to crawl. I only want to get out of here. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you could drink scotch. As long as you can get drunk, who cares _what_ you're drinking. Am I right, Jinny?"

"That's not it, and you know it."

"Then what is it? Why do you drink?"

I won't do it. I've resisted for so long already, and I'll keep resisting for as long as I possibly can. She's not going to get me to tell her the reason, not unless she drags it out of me on my deathbed. And that's just fucking cruel!

"Jinny…" That tone reminds me of the Captain when she's trying not to sound pissed about something.

"It doesn't matter, all right? Just get me through this and we'll all be happier."

"Get you through this? Get you through what, Jinny? Do you just want your little gold star and your certificate saying you made it through rehab, so you can go back to your job and celebrate with another bender? Is that it? It doesn't work like that, Inspector Exstead. So if you want to _continue_ being Inspector Exstead, I suggest you sit your ass down and really work with me on this. Is that understood?"

Shocked, I just stare at her, and then sink down onto the couch again in compliance. Reaching for one of the throw pillows, I clutch it tightly to my chest and fight the urge to either cry or throw it at her. Or both. Where does she get off saying those things to me? She's wrong, damn it! Isn't she? God damn it, this is just too much. I need a drink. I need to…

"Get it out, Jinny," she says in that calm, controlled voice that I'm really beginning to hate. "Don't sublimate it. Let it out and let it go."

"I need a drink," I finally mutter, eyes boring into the toes of my white sneakers.

"Why?" Her tone is just as soft as mine, and I fight the urge to cry again.

"If I had a drink, I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullshit. I wouldn't have to remember… I could just forget."

The room falls into long moments of silence. Almost long enough for me to run deep inside myself and hide from what Mac is asking me to do. I can't do it. I just… I just want to forget. That's all. Is it really so much to ask for?

"Why do you want to forget? What is it you want to forget?"

The two questions I _really_ don't want to answer. So, of course, Mac would have to ask them. But now the question is whether I answer her or not. Does she deserve to know? She doesn't, does she? She's not anybody to me; she's just some shrink. I can just tell some kind of story that would shut her up and get me the fuck out of here. But what's going to be convincing enough to tell her that sounds like the truth, but isn't?

"Jinny? What do you want to forget?"

Tears well up in my eyes at the frustration of fighting this. It's fucking exhausting. Why does she think I drank? If I was drunk, I could forget about all of this bullshit. I could just forget…

"Everything," I suddenly blurt out, unable to take the strain anymore. I clutch at that pillow so tightly, I can hear stitches in the seams popping apart. But I won't let go. I _can't_ let go, not if my life depended on it. And at this point in time, I guess it does.

"Jinny?" Her voice is soft, and I jump at the light touch of her hand settling on my shoulder. How the _fuck_ did she get over here so quickly?

"No," I moan and pull away to curl up in a ball, still clinging to the pillow. "Go 'way. Wanna forget."

"Do you think that will help?"

"Dunno. Don' care. Just want it to stop hurting."

The tears won't stop. No matter how much I want them to stop, they just keep coming. And then the words follow. And I can't stop them any more than I can the tears.

"She's gone."

"Who's gone?"

"Momma's gone. Up to me to take care of them. Daddy, and Casey, and John. They can't do it without Momma. I miss her, but I gotta be the strong one. Gotta take her place. Doesn't matter that she left me all alone. I gotta be the strong one for them."

++++

The soft knock on my door the next morning is louder than I can handle. I bury my head under my pillow and groan. "Go 'way!" My head is pounding like I've been on a three-day bender. I haven't felt this bad since… Well, since my last three-day bender. Only this time, I didn't get the added benefit of actually enjoying the alcohol first.

At the second knock, I angrily raise my head, ignoring the vertigo. "Go the fuck away!" And promptly bury my head back under both pillow and covers. I don't want to see anyone or anything. I just want to curl up and sleep the rest of my life away. And I hope to God those memories of yesterday are really just some sort of fucked up nightmare. Hell, I'll take the erotic CD dreams over this crap. At least I'd enjoy myself with those dreams.

"Jinny, it's Mac. May I come in?"

I groan at the sound of her voice. Is her goal in life really to torment me? If it is, she needs to get a better goal. "Do I have a choice?" I call out.

I hear the door open, then shut a moment later. "No, not really."

"Then, by all means, come on in," I grumble, waving my hand blindly at her. I feel the bed sag next to me, and wait for her to say something. After a couple minutes of silence, I peek out from under my pillow. "What?"

"How are you feeling?"

"You waited this long to ask me _that_? Jeezus! How do you think I feel? I wish I'd had the damned bender to get this fucking hangover from hell."

"So how are you feeling, Jinny?" she asks again, a hand rubbing gently over my back. "I wanted to make sure you were okay after yesterday. Sarah said you pretty much came back here and crashed after our session."

I shrug, suddenly surprised by the familiar sting of tears behind my eyelids. "Dunno, I was tired. Guess I wasn't hungry or anything."

"So are you hungry now? We could go have some breakfast."

I glance at the alarm clock. Ten-thirty? Fuck! I've missed shit in my schedule. "I thought the cafeteria was closed already for breakfast?" I ask, wondering if this meal will be my last before I'm escorted outta here. "Wait, you're not gonna bust me for not following my schedule?"

"You're safe for now, Jinny, and I can pull a few strings if you're hungry." When I study her suspiciously, she smiles. "There are some perks to being one of the docs around here, you know."

"Can I shower first?" I ask, shifting to sit up. "I feel kinda gross."

"I'll be waiting here, if you'd like."

I consider that for a moment, then smile sheepishly and self-consciously tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "Yeah, I think I would. Thanks, Mac."

"It's what I'm here for, Jinny," are her last words as I head off to shower.

++++

I'm already starting to feel better when I finally get back to my room. That long, hot shower really did the trick, or at least my body is getting closer to being on a more even keel. My mind is something else all together. I still hurt from what I'd ended up saying in that session. And what I didn't say. I don't trust people very easily, I never have; it was hard to open up like Mac wanted me to.

And speaking of Mac…

"So, feeling any better?" she asks brightly.

"Actually, I think I am," I reply and sheepishly grin as my stomach growls loudly. "But my stomach apparently says otherwise."

She laughs at that, standing as I toss my stuff in the closet. I follow her out into the hall and down to the cafeteria. The silence feels oddly comforting, and then I stop dead in my tracks just outside the cafeteria. Tears prick at my eyes again as I recognize _why_ the silence feels so comforting. Mac is a safety net, just like my mom had been when I was little.

"Jinny?" She's concerned, I can hear that much in her voice.

I shake my head. "Not here," I murmur, dropping my gaze from hers.

I can feel her sympathetic smile more than see it as she opens the door and ushers me in first. We quietly get our food, since lunch has already started, and move to sit in an out of the way corner. I am more grateful for that than I have words for; I'm just not up to prying eyes or ears right now. The silence envelops us, despite the hustle and bustle of the others filing in to eat their lunches and share conversations to help break up the monotony of rehab. I'm surprised that Mac is being so quiet while we eat; it's actually kind of freaking me out a little, to be honest. I was expecting her to be firing questions at me left and right. So imagine my surprise when my mouth just opens and I start talking willingly.

"My mom died when I was little. They ruled it a suicide. I'm not saying that it wasn't, because she blew her brains out all by herself, but it was hard to accept growing up. Guess it's been hard to accept, period. I mean, we all took it hard, don't get me wrong. But I think Dad and I took it the hardest. She was his wife, gave him three kids, supported him through everything, and then she just up and killed herself. My brothers were reasonably upset."

"And what about you?" comes the soft question.

I smile wanly, a soft snort rumbling in my chest. "Me? What was I supposed to do? Mom died and left us alone. I was the only girl left in the house, so I did my best to take over Mom's job. I was the one that made sure all three of them were taken care of. I made sure Dad got to work on time and had dinner when he came home, and I made sure my brothers had their lunches and their homework done, even if John was older than me. It didn't matter, you know? There were things that had to be done and nobody else was going to do them, so I had to."

I pause for a moment, not sure what else to say. Especially if I want to keep my dignity intact and not start crying in front of everybody in the cafeteria. I've already cried in front of Mac, so that isn't an issue anymore. But I don't want to lose it in front of the other people in the room. They don't know me; they don't understand what I'm going through. So they don't deserve to see beyond what I want them to see. And I don't want them to see me crying, that's for damned sure.

My stomach growling again brings a playful grin to her face. "Maybe you should eat before we continue this," she says softly, but I can hear the empathy in the tone of her voice. "I mean, the food here is bad enough when it's hot; it's downright unpalatable when it's gone cold."

I can't fight her wisdom. A little over a week in this place has quickly taught me to get my food early and wolf it down as quickly as possible. Yeah, it's nutritional and all, but the flavor would be better if they'd hire on a lackey from McDonald's. So I stare down at my tray and realize just how hungry I really am, and then start to practically inhale my lunch. That companionable silence settles over us again, and I feel almost comfortable in this place for the first time.

The decision to head to her office is mutual and thankfully unspoken, so I simply lead Mac in that direction once we bus our trays. I can tell she's got all sorts of questions for me and, for the first time since I walked into this place, I honestly feel ready to answer at least some of them. I've obviously made some progress in the last twenty-four hours, but I also know that I still have a long, long way to go. I quickly move to sit in my customary spot on the couch, then stop and turn to look out the window of her office. It looks out over the large lawn out behind the building. This is when I notice the swans floating out on the pond. One is black, the other white. They remind me of the color contrasts in my hair and CD's. God, what am I going to do about this shit with CD?

"So, Jinny," Mac asks lightly, standing by my side. "What's got you so preoccupied suddenly? You look like the weight of the world is both resting heavily on your shoulders and stripped from them at the same time." I don't answer at first, still staring at the swans. "Jinny?"

"Swans mate for life, did you know that?" I ask softly, eyes still trained on the slowly circling pair. They look almost wary of each other, afraid to connect on any level. "And if one dies, the other tends to follow soon after."

I can feel her intrigued, confused stare, and dare to glance at her. I half-smile suddenly, and turn back to the view, hoping she doesn't catch it.

"Why are you smirking at me like that?"

Guess I'm not lucky enough for her to miss it. "You just remind me of someone I know," is my enigmatic reply. When her brows furrow in even further, I can't help the chuckle passing my lips. "God, it's like looking at Magda when you do that."

"I remind you of your partner?"

And then I remember that I'm angry with my partner, among others. They had no right to do what they did to me, regardless of whether I'd needed this or not. It's my life, my choice. And they took it away from me. Magda and the Captain are on my shit list, even if what they'd said was the truth. I _had_ majorly fucked up, but still…

"Yeah, now I'm kinda sorry I mentioned it," I grumble, interest in the swans now gone. They only remind me of CD, who in turn reminds me of my partner and my job… If I still have a job when I get out of here. There aren't any guarantees, are there?


	3. Glory Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)
> 
> Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Track Three: Glory Girl

"I heard you say today  
you've thrown your life away  
but dreams of happiness aren't wasted.  
You tried to reach the moon  
you grew up too soon  
denied the freedom that you tasted.  
But all the tragedy  
helps me discover you."

 

 _The bed is soft, inviting, an opulent den of decadence. The cherry posts glitter in the candlelight's glow, highlights dancing, ethereal as wispy clouds. Gauzy netting sparkles in the same flickering glow, casting a halo over the dark satin bedding. Bedding that attempts to conceal her from my view._

 _And I know she's waiting there for me. I can hear her calling to me, beckoning me with her siren song. I'm moving toward her, unable to resist even if I wanted to. The need to be near her, with her, beneath her… it's too strong._

 _She lies there, watching me undress, and that slow, sexy 'come hither' grin spreads across her face as I reveal myself to her. Nothing escapes her bright hawk's eye gaze, and I'm lost in the depthless azure. I'm helpless under her intensity, and willingly sink to my knees next to the bed. I don't move for long, painfully long, moments, scarcely meeting her heated stare._

 _"Come up here, love," she murmurs, reaching for my hand. "You don't need to be down there. We're in this together, Jinny, now and always."_

 _And then the tears start. I'm paralyzed with emotion, unable to move or even speak. Her warm arms are suddenly around me, pulling me into her. It's the safety, the love, that I crave, that I need, and I cling to her desperately._

 _"Shh," she croons, stroking my hair, my back. "It's okay, love. I'm right here. You're safe. I won't let anyone hurt you, not even yourself."_

++++

"So why are you so interested in those swans again, Jinny?"

I've been expecting the question ever since I walked over to the window again. I can't help myself. For the past several nights, I've dreamed about CD again. And each day after, I stare out the window of Mac's office, intently watching those swans. I answer her questions, tell her more about my childhood. But always I evade any reference to the swans and to my dreams.

"Okay, since I can see that's another dead end, just like the past week, let's try something else." I can hear her rustling some papers around, no doubt checking her notes on me and my previous sessions. And then she finally speaks again. "Why don't you tell me why you're so angry with your partner?"

"There's really only one reason, Mac," I reply wearily, "and I already told you that."

"Why don't you tell me again?"

Sighing heavily, I turn away from the view to lean against the wall as I face her. "What more can I say, Mac? She and the Captain forced me here. First the Captain took my badge, my gun, and my job from me, took everything that means anything to me. Then Magda roped my coworkers and my family into that fucking ambush they called an intervention. I was stuck there being reminded how much I never quite stood up against my father's standards, that I wasn't good enough. And that ultimatum they gave me? All it did was send me right to the bar and…"

I stop then, remembering with vivid detail just where I'd ended up after a few stiff drinks at the bar. And why. Tears burn behind my eyelids at the memory of what had happened. That nameless blonde bimbo. The vodka had blunted my pain and anger, had made her into what I wanted her to be, what I'd needed but was unable to voice.

"I need her," I suddenly whisper, eyes blazing a hole into the floor through the tears. "But I don't know if I deserve her. Or if she even cares."

++CD++

"This isn't right," comes the sudden outburst from my partner, shattering the silence that had settled over the squad room. This has been happening a lot in the two weeks since Jinny's intervention. Angela's made it more than clear to Magda and me just how against the ambush she was. And she's had no qualms about reminding us on a regular basis ever since. I find it funny that she's never once voiced her opinions to the Captain though.

"What isn't right?" Magda sighs, casting a weary look in my direction. She and I both know what's coming. I glance at the Captain's door, wishing she'd come out with something -- _anything_ \-- for us to do.

"You shouldn't have jumped her. Period."

"Give it a rest, Angela," I growl, knowing that this is pissing Magda off the more it's brought up. "We did what we had to do to make sure nobody was hurt or killed in the long run, including Jinny. You didn't have to be involved either. You were given the choice not to participate; you showed up. You're just as involved as the rest of us, so get over it, okay?"

Both Magda and Angela stare at me in stunned silence. Glaring at them, I turn my gaze back down to the report I've been trying not to write. I have my own share of guilt in what had happened, and it's not like I could forget that anytime soon, but I did what I had to and moved on. I want to know how Jinny's doing. I want to talk to her and tell her that I'd only done what I had to help her. She's a good cop, and I know that means a lot to her and her family. But somehow, somewhere, she'd made a bad decision and just couldn't get out of it on her own. _That's_ why I felt so strongly about the intervention in the first place and helped Magda in setting it up. Hell, I was the one that researched the facilities to find the best one for her. We need to have Jinny back as the good cop I'd met all those years back, not this self-destructive person she's become. And I suddenly realize just how determined I am to have that Jinny back again.

"Magda," I say in a sharper tone than I intended, judging from the startled look on her face. Clearly my throat, I continue. "Let's go get some lunch, okay? I'm starving, and I know you didn't bring anything with you either."

"Yeah, okay," she mumbles, curious confusion furrowing her eyebrows. "Let me grab my purse. Angela, you want anything?"

"I brought something." The words are neutral, the tone anything but.

"Okay," Magda replies and grabs her purse as the Captain steps out of her office. "Hey, Captain, CD and I are gonna get some lunch. You want us to grab you anything?"

McCafferty gazes at us for a long moment, that measured stare she's so damned good at, then shakes her head with a faint smile on her face. "No, I should probably eat this… _stuff_ that Amanda made for me."

"Suit yourself," I reply with a cocky grin. "I think I'm in the mood for Italian today."

"Okay, if you're gonna tease me, you can just leave now, CD," comes her wry retort before she turns to stare at Magda. "Will you get her out of here already?"

"Yes, ma'am. C'mon, CD. I'm starving, and you're buying."

+++++

The walk to the restaurant is relatively quiet, but I'm not sure yet how to get a conversation -- _this_ conversation -- started. We sit at an outdoor table, enjoying the unusually warm mid-November sun. Our salads are quickly brought out, and I dig in heartily, not realizing just how hungry I was. I cast a few furtive glances in her direction before I'm finally caught.

"What's going on, CD? You've never invited me to lunch before."

I find myself unable to meet her gaze for a long moment, staring instead at the lemon slice floating in my water. "Have you talked to Jinny at all?" Sneaking a glance at her, I watch Magda flinch slightly at my question, which pretty much gives me an answer. "Neither have I," I reply before she can say anything. "Do you think we should? I mean, she's your partner, and she was pretty pissed with you. Well, with all of us, but she made it pretty clear where she was aiming the bulk of it."

"I know." She sighs and pushes her plate away. "I don't know if I _should_ try to contact her right now. She was pretty adamant when she told me to fuck off."

I shake my head. "Doesn't matter, Magda. This is your _partner_ we're talking about. I've seen how the two of you work together. It's like when Dick and I were partners. You have to do something to rectify this, and soon, or there won't be anything left to fix when she gets out of rehab." She nods distractedly, idly tracing one manicured nail on the tabletop. "Do you care about her, Magda? Do you really care about Jinny Exstead and what happens to her?"

That earns me a rather indignant glare. Good! "Of course, I do! How can you say I don't? _I'm_ the one that set up that intervention, remember? She's family to me, CD, and she knows it."

"And we both know the regard she held for her family after that intervention," I toss back at her drolly.

"Don't remind me, okay? I don't know what to do. I don't even know if we _can_ talk to her right now."

I hadn't considered that possibility. I mean, it's only been just over two weeks since Jinny had checked herself into rehab. "It can't hurt to try, can it?" I press the point, not realizing just how desperately adamant I sound. "I mean, wasn't there some sort of visitation policy or something?"

"I don't remember," Madga replies, eyes narrowing as she stares at me. "But I guess it can't hurt to find out."

++Mac++

"Hey, Mac?" Darya's voice breaks into the silence of my office. "There's a call here I think you need to take. Line four."

I glance up from the file I've been updating, catching my associate's odd tone. "Oh? Care to elaborate?"

"Some Inspector Ramirez trying to get in touch with one of your patients. Real pit bull, that one."

Recognizing the name, I bite back a grin. Pit bull is an apt description, if Jinny's stories have even a kernel of truth to them. "Thanks, Dare," I say as I pick up my phone and activate the line. "This is Dr. MacKenzie. May I help you?"

"This is Inspector Ramirez of the SFPD, Central Division. I'd like to speak to Jinny Exstead please."

"Good afternoon, Inspector. Is this an emergency?"

The hesitation on the other end of the line is a dead giveaway. "No, not really. I just need to speak to Jinny, if that's possible. It's really important."

I consider this for a moment before answering. "Normally, I'd have to say no, Inspector. This is an intensive program and our patients are on a strict schedule that shouldn't be deviated from. But I can give her the message and if she chooses to contact you, she can do it from the payphone during her free time later tonight."

"Please, you don't understand. I _need_ to talk to her. She's only got like two more weeks left and then she's out, and I need to know that we're back on track before she walks into the precinct again."

That's a good sign. For all the anger Jinny still harbors toward her partner, I know there is an equal amount of affection. "Do you mind holding, Inspector? I'll have to check her schedule and see if she's available or not." I don't wait for an answer, just hitting the hold button, and head down the hall toward Jinny's room.

++Jinny++

I'm sitting here in my room, curled up against the wall, clutching my pillow tightly to my chest. The tears just keep coming, but I don't dare try to stop them. I know better now than to even consider it. I just want to sleep, but then the dreams will come, and I can't even say for sure if that's a blessing or a curse at this point. It feels like days since I last slept, but I know logically that it's only been maybe eighteen hours.

The knock at the door doesn't even faze me. I've been expecting it ever since I got out of that stupid meeting.

"Come on in," I croak, voice cracking halfway through.

"Jin? It's Mac," she says as she comes in. "You've got a-- What's wrong?"

The second I hear her voice, the tears step up a notch, making me shake worse. "I can't do this," I mutter.

"Do what?" She's instantly at my side, a hand carefully resting on my back. "Jinny, what's going on?"

"I can't sleep," I finally blurt out. "I just need something to distract me for a while, something to occupy me while my brain strangles the dreams away." The room is silent for a couple of moments, and I hazard a look at Mac. She's deep in thought, chewing on her lower lip. It reminds me of… "God! Make it stop, Mac. I'm tired of everything fucking reminding me of her."

++Mac++

I can't help but jump at her outburst, but smile encouragingly at her anyway. "I'll help you stop it when you tell me what it is." Before her scowl turns into a tirade, I quickly change the subject, throwing her off-balance. "You've got a phone call. Would you like to take it?"

Blinking in confusion, she nods slowly. "I thought we weren't…"

"I'm making an exception to the rule. You've done remarkably well these past two weeks, Jinny. You deserve a special privilege." I stand and offer her a hand up. "Come on, you can take it in my office."

++Jinny++

I follow her down the hall, curiosity eating at my self-control. By the time we hit her office, I'm practically hopping from one foot to the other. "Come _on_ , Mac," I wheedle. "Who is it?"

"Pick up the phone and say hello," is all she says. "Line four."

Raising my brows incredulously, I pick the phone and press the blinking button. "Hello?" I ask, controlling the urge to answer it the way I would have at work.

"Jin? Is that you?"

At the sound of that familiar voice, I sink into the chair Mac has pushed at me. "Magda?" I don't know what to say. I haven't expected to hear from her, and I'm really torn. Doesn't matter that I haven't totally forgiven her yet. I still miss her. "How the fuck are you?"

A moment of stunned silence greets me before she speaks again, and I have to glance down to make sure the line is still open. "How am _I_? How are _you_ doing, _mija_?"

Tears prickle against my eyelids at the endearment. "I -- I think I'm okay, Mag," I reply thickly, trying my damnedest not to cry again. "I miss you guys though."

"We miss you, too," she replies softly, and I can hear the hint of tears in her voice. "Even Ben misses you."

"Really? Is he there?"

"Ben! _Papi_! Your _Tia_ Jinny's on the phone."

I can heard his delighted squeals in the background, then suddenly, "I miss you, Jinny!"

There is no way to stop the tears this time, and I smile at the phone, eyes closed tightly. "Hey, Benny. How ya doing?"

"Okay. Mommy says you might come home soon. Can we go to the arcade when you get home?"

"Yeah, Ben, you got it. The arcade and ice cream, just you and me, okay?" Again with the muffled squeals, and I can barely make out the words as he tells Magda what I've said. I hear her say something back; it sounds like approval. "Hey, Ben? Let me talk to your mom again, okay?"

"'Kay! Love you, Jinny!"

"Love you, too, Benny," I reply and absently wipe my nose with the palm of my hand. A tissue appears in front of my face and I smile gratefully at Mac.

"Jin?"

"Mag, I need to know-- Um, how's --" God, I hate that I sound so fucking pathetic! "How's CD doing?"

++Magda++

I'd be lying if I were to say that Jinny's question doesn't surprise me. That conversation with CD has been running through my head ever since we had it. And now, here's Jinny asking me how CD's doing. What the hell is going on? Better to answer her and see if I can figure it out.

"She's doing okay, I guess. She's been…" Do I or don't I? Hell with it. "She's been asking about you, Jin."

"She has?"

That breathless, eager voice reminds me of my younger sisters' junior high school days, and I can't resist the chuckle bubbling up from my chest. It doesn't help that I'm curious as hell as to why these two women are suddenly so damned interested in each other and inquiring into each other's business, so to speak. Could there be something going on that I don't really want to know about? Am I about to learn something about my partner that might be better left in the dark? Or in the closet, as the case may be.

"What're you laughing at, Mag? You didn't answer my question, you know."

Jolted back from my thoughts, I cough in embarrassment at being caught. "Yeah, _mija_ , she's been asking about you. We've all been thinking about you, you know."

"I know," comes the soft reply. "I've been thinking about you, too." She pauses a moment, but I can hear her soft breathing across the line. "I've-- I've really missed you, Mag. I'm not--"

"You don't hate me?" I have to know.

"Nah. I could never actually hate you, Mag, but I am still kinda pissed at you. I'm working on that though. Honest."

I don't bother to try resisting the grin spreading across my face. That sounds exactly like Jin's brand of honesty. And it's a damned good sign. "Good to hear it, Jin. I, um… I need to get Ben ready to go spend the night at his dad's." Part of me doesn't want this phone call to end.

"Yeah," she mutters softly, and I can almost hear her emotions closing off. "I, um, I'm really glad you called, Mag. Tell Ben I won't forget my promise when I get outta here. And, um, when you see CD, will you, um…"

I can't stand the uncertainty that keeps her from asking what she so desperately wants to ask. "I'll tell her you were asking about her, Jin. Anything else you want me to tell her? Or do you want her to try to call you?"

++Jinny++

Call me? Oh fuck, I'm not sure I can handle that. "Ahh… I don't know if Mac will allow any more phone calls. This was kinda against the rules anyway."

"I know. Will you tell her how grateful I am for allowing it?"

"I will. Just, um, just tell CD that I said hi and everything, okay? And say hi to Angela for me?"

There's just enough of a pause that the cop in me knows that something weird is going on. I'm just not sure I'm ready to find out what it is right now.

"I'll do that. And the Captain, if you want."

"I -- I suppose. If you think it'll do any good."

"We're all worried about you, _mija_. If we didn't care, you wouldn't be where you are right now. Next time you want to get pissed at me, you just remember that, okay?"

Feeling the tears coming again, I blink rapidly and cough to cover the overwhelming emotions coursing through me. "I will," I reply softly. "Bye, Mag."

"Bye, Jinny," she says, and then I hear the dial tone. I hold the phone for a few seconds more, just trying to get my equilibrium back, then hang up. It hurts more than I'd expected to be talking to her again, but it isn't necessarily a bad hurt.

"So who's this CD, Jinny?"

I groan softly, head falling into my hands. I'd almost forgotten she's been standing there this whole time. And if she's heard the conversation, which is pretty much a given, I know I'm doomed. My secret won't be so secret much longer.


	4. The Wrong Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)  
>  Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Track Four: The Wrong Man

"No matter what I say  
you're just filling a void in me.  
But it's better to know the girl inside.  
You're always running toward  
the need that you recognize.  
But it's better to leave the love behind  
'cause you're the wrong man  
at the wrong time in my life."

 

It's going to be a long night, now that I've gotten that phone call.

Mac follows me back to my room and sits patiently -- does she do it any other way? -- while I take a shower, hoping to lose some of the lethargy of my earlier crying binge. Doesn't matter that I know I'll be getting another one before the night's through. Clean the slate between bouts, right? Walking back into my room, I continue to towel off my hair, and stare at Mac for a long moment.

"Don't you ever go home, Mac?"

"Nope," comes the expected reply. "Not usually. I like to be close by when one of my patients is upset. Besides, if it's a slow night, I can get caught up on a _lot_ of paperwork." That last is said with an impish grin.

I don't bother to stop my chuckle. "You need a hobby or something, you know that?" I ask, hanging up the towel and putting away my bath items.

"I've been told that once or twice. But I never listened. I _like_ being able to help. That's why I got into this line of work in the first place. Well, one of the reasons."

Okay, _that_ has me curious. Cocking my head to one side, I lean against the dresser and watch her for a moment. "One of the reasons?"

"Come sit down," she said brightly, patting the place next to her. "This isn't about me. I want to know about CD. And I'd like to think that you'll actually cooperate with me, since I did allow you that phone call from Magda."

I'm caught now, and she knows it, too. I take a deep breath, trying to gather my suddenly swirling thoughts into something cohesive and coherent. I've never really admitted these thoughts and feelings to anyone out loud. In fact, I've kind of been fighting them… for a while now. And now I'm just supposed to let it all out for Mac, some weird case of emotional diarrhea? Yeah, right. But the look on Mac's face pretty much says it all: she isn't going to budge until I spill my guts about what she wants to hear.

Tucking some hair behind my ear as I sit down, I take a deep breath and begin to tell her everything. The dreams. The fantasies. The feelings. Teddy. The other men. The other women. The drinking. Well, the part she doesn't already know about the drinking. All of it. I don't spare her anything. By the time I'm done, I'm shaking worse than I'd been _before_ she came to get me for that phone call from Magda. Do I even need to mention the crying? Or how tightly I've curled myself into a ball at the head of my bed? This is almost as rough as when I'd found my mom.

"Shh, Jinny," she croons softly, pulling me into her arms. "You're going to be fine. This is what I've been waiting for, pushing you to open up about. Now we can really work to get you to the healing you need."

I honestly don't remember much after that. Her voice and my own revelations have utterly exhausted me and I fall into a much-needed healing sleep.

++CD++

The ringing of my cell phone wakes me up. Disoriented from the dreams I've been having, I stretch out my hand, searching for the shrill thing on the couch where I'd fallen asleep. "DeLorenzo," I grumble when I finally find the damned thing.

"CD? Were you sleeping?"

Glancing at the clock, I realize it's only barely eight o'clock. "Sorta. I fell asleep watching some weird snake show on the Discovery Channel. Fucked up dreams. What's up, Magda?"

"I, uh, I just wanted to tell you that I got to talk to Jinny a couple hours ago. I would've called you sooner, but I had to get Ben ready for his dad's."

Her voice sounds funny, but at the sound of Jinny's name, I'm wide awake and sitting up. "You did? How-- How's she doing?"

There's a long enough pause that, if I couldn't hear her tapping her fingernail on the table, I'd swear the connection was cut. And then she finally speaks. "She's doing okay. She, um, said she doesn't hate me." I can hear the relief in her voice at those words. I've known very well just how much that has been bothering Magda over the past couple of weeks. "And she… She wanted me to tell you…"

"Tell me what?" I hope like hell that I don't honestly sound as pathetic and needy as I think I do.

"She's been thinking about you," she finally says.

My heart stops at the implication of those five little words. What the hell do they mean? What the hell does it mean that I am so twitterpated by this revelation? God, does this mean what I think it means? It couldn't be… Could it? The first time this happened, my mother covered it up and forbid me to see another girl for fear that it would make her look bad. It had terrified me, but it never once stopped me from the one night stands, the easy sex with no commitments. The last time I'd given in to the attraction, I'd run scared into the arms of the first man that paid me any attention. And Fate made sure that I paid for it, because he cheated on me. Repeatedly. And yet the divorce, currently still pending, is all _my_ fault, because I couldn't keep him happy enough to stay home.

"CD? You still there?"

Her voice drags me back from my thoughts. "Ah, yeah, Magda. Sorry, I thought I heard something outside." It's a lame ass excuse, but it's the best I can come up with on the fly. "So, um, Jinny was asking about me?"

"Yeah, that's what she said. So, CD…"

"Yeah?" I ask, dreading the question I know she's going to ask. And I have no fucking clue how to answer her if she does.

"Is there… Is there something I should know about here?"

"I don't know," I murmur, running my hand through my hair.

"Just be careful, okay? She's really fragile right now." Ah, ever the watchful Magda, taking care of her partner. She's really damned good at that.

"I know. Listen, I… I'll see you tomorrow at work, okay? I'm gonna go make some dinner and head to bed."

+++++

"You look like shit, CD," I hear the Captain say as I walk in, growling at the empty coffee pot. "Anything going on?"

Oh yeah, Captain. I'm having dreams about someone. Erotic, tender dreams that are driving me completely fucking insane. Oh, and I think I'm falling for your alcoholic Inspector Exstead. And did I mention I can't talk to her about this until she gets out of rehab?

"Just didn't sleep well last night, I guess," I offer, hoping she'll accept it. I can feel her appraising stare on my back as I make my way to my desk. And then I notice that Angela's not at hers. In fact, it's pretty much stripped clean. What the hell?

"Actually, before you get comfortable, I'd like to see you in my office. You, too, Magda."

Dutifully, we both get up and follow her. As we sit down, she hands a sheet of paper to me.

"What's this?" I ask as I take and begin to scan the contents of the document.

"Angela's transferring out of the Division."

The hush in the room is palatable. A quick glance at Magda shows she's just as stunned as I am. Weren't we just talking about… Oh.

"Ah, Captain? When did Angela request the transfer?" I can feel Magda's gaze on me, and actually hear it the minute the gears lock into place in her brain. Yeah, she's on the same track as I am now.

"She's been hinting at it for" -- she glances down at a file on her desk -- "almost a month now, but didn't put in her official request until last night before she left. She wouldn't give any circumstances beyond wanting to spend more energy on becoming a mother."

I snort softly at Magda's rolled eyes. This is a joke, plain and simple. Angela's pissed about the whole intervention and the backlash of Jinny's rehab. But that's fine. If she wants to play her little games, she can. She was never really cut out to be on the streets anyway. We _all_ knew that, including Angela. She's far better suited to a cushy desk job than the streets of San Francisco.

"So now what, Captain?" Magda asks.

"Well, we're short two Inspectors at the moment. I'm working on getting a new partner for you, CD. All I know so far is that we're getting someone from Vice. As for Jinny, I have every faith that she's going to come back to work with us. I'm certainly not saying it's going to be easy necessarily, but I think she'll come out of this a better person. For now though, you two will have to work together." We nod in unison, then stand to leave. "CD, can I see you for a minute?"

I hold back as Magda leaves, shooting me a curious look that I return with a shrug. Sitting back down, I'm not sure what to say or do, so I wait quietly as McCafferty watches me again. Finally, I just can't take it anymore. "Was there something else, Captain?"

"Are you sure you're all right?" she asks, that hint of motherly concern in her voice. When I nod, she continues. "I just expected you to be a little more upset by Angela's decision to leave the Division."

"To be honest, Captain, I hope she finds exactly what she wants. It's more than obvious that she wasn't happy with a lot of things going on around here."

"I'm guessing you're talking about Jinny's intervention?" she supplies and sighs at my nod of assent. "I've heard it all from her. I don't agree with her, and I think that was the final straw that made her choose to leave. Yes, it's her choice, and there's nothing we can do about it right now. We just need to find you a new partner and hope things work out when Jinny comes back."

"Yes, ma'am," I say, forcing down the shiver of happiness at the thought of Jinny coming back. There's a very real part of me that is upset that I'm getting the new partner, not Magda. I'd love to have Jinny as my partner. But I also don't want the issues associated with being partners on and off the clock. That's just begging for more trouble than it's probably worth. Hell, I don't even know for sure if Jinny feels like I do... or think I do.

++Mac++

I've been sitting here all day thinking about what Jinny told me last night. It's definitely a breakthrough in her recovery, that's for damned sure. And it explains so much about her behavior, as I've noted in her file. I have two weeks left with her in the program, though I am seriously considering extending her stay another week. It's not like that's an unprecedented situation. Part of me wishes she'd have come clean about these feelings for her fellow officer sooner. This is the kind of goldmine that every other psychologist I know would love to dig into. This is almost more important to the psyche of one Jinny Exstead than her mother's suicide.

But one thing continues to plague me. This whole situation with Teddy, the ex-boyfriend, is throwing a serious wrench into the works. According to Jinny last night, she'd pretty much done everything she could to sabotage that relationship, but she's afraid that Teddy will want to get back together with her now that, as she says, she's clean, sober, and a real person again. It's clear to me that Jinny sees this relationship as self-destructive, not even considering the fact that she has more than casual feelings for CD DeLorenzo.

I look up at the knock on my door to see Jinny standing there. She wears the air of someone who is bone-deep exhausted, but thrilled that her burden has been greatly lifted. I smile warmly at her and beckon her in, closing the folder in front of me.

"How are you feeling, Jinny?"

"I think I'm okay," comes her quiet reply as she self-consciously tucks hair behind her ear. "Are you-- Are you free to talk for a little while?"

"The rest of my day is completely free, actually. I'm just catching up on some more of my paperwork, but it can wait."

She smiles and closes the door, leaning against it for a moment. "I, um, I just wanted to say thank you for everything last night, Mac. I really appreciate it."

I quirk a brow, knowing there has to be more to her visit that that. Again, she flashes me that shy smile and makes her way to the window she's stood by so many times in the past two weeks. At least now I understand what has drawn her to that window repeatedly: that pair of swans. Except for one thing that still niggles in the back of my brain.

"So, Jinny, can I ask you something?" When she nods, I continue. "Why do those swans remind you of you and CD?"

I can see the faint blush coloring her cheeks. "You mean in all my babbling last night I didn't tell you that she's blonde? And tall? And gorgeous?" And the blush deepens at that last admission.

I can't help the chuckle at her delighted embarrassment. "No, you didn't mention any of that. Although I'm surprised it _didn't_ come up last night when you were divulging all. I mean, honestly, Jinny. That bed?"

She laughs at that, nervously toying with her hair again. "I know. I don't even know if it exists or not, but _damn_ I wish it did… And that she was in it every single night to make me hers." And then she covers her face, clearly mortified that she's even uttered that last thought. "I really need to put a lock on my mouth sometimes."

"No, you don't, Jinny. It's good to let these things out. And I think you should find a way to tell CD about it."

"Oh _hell_ no!" she splutters, a horrified look on her face. "Are you insane? I don't even know if she thinks like that at all, let alone about me."

"If you didn't, you wouldn't have fallen quite so hard for her, would you?"

"Well… But why would she even want someone like me? I mean, look at me. I can't hold my liquor. I'm totally emotionally fucked up. I have commitment issues. Yeah, I'm the lesbian dream date. From hell, maybe. CD's too, I don't know. Classy's not the right word, but it's the closest I can think of. She's totally out of my league."

"I don't think you're that out of her league, Jinny. Obviously you've seen or sensed something there with CD that has allowed you the opportunity to indulge in these fantasies of her."

"No, see that's the thing, Mac. They're just fantasies. They'll never happen. CD just isn't like that, okay? She's been married the past three-odd years."

"And you were dating Teddy, among others," I cut in smoothly. "What's your point, Jinny? You act as if you don't want to get together with CD. In fact, it's almost as if you'd rather not be with her, because you're afraid of actually having something good in your life. Am I close?"

"Fuck you," she mutters, turning to face the window again. "That's not it."

"Then what is it, Jinny? You are obviously in love with the woman. Why are you fighting this? Why fight the attraction that you know is there? Even if she doesn't return the feelings for you, why deny what you feel for her?"

"Because if she knows and doesn't feel the same way I do, she's gonna get all freaked out and back off, best case scenario. There are only the four of us, we have to be able to work together, no matter what. Yeah, Magda's my partner, but I still have to be able to work with CD. This could totally ruin that. Don't you get it, Mac? That's all I have."

"No, actually I don't get it, Jinny. Granted, I'm not a cop, so I don't exactly know how it works. But I know about people, that _is_ my job. And I've come to know you, too, Jinny Exstead. You are more than just a cop. You are more than your mother's replacement in your father's life. You are more than a convenient, casual fuck to the nameless other drunks. And you are definitely more than the bottle of booze it takes to make you forget who and what you really are. You are a beautiful, caring, dedicated human being that deserves to love and to be loved. I mean, really, Jinny, are you worried she'll spaz out over the fact that you wear those cute little angel kitty panties?"

"I don’t wear--" She stares at me as I waggle my eyebrows at her. "You're sick, you know that, Mac?"

"Yep, and I think you'd look cute in those little angel kitty panties. I'm sure CD would just coo all over you if you modeled them for her."

"Shut up!" she snorts, swatting at me, then mutters, "Pain in my ass!"

"Flattery will get you nowhere with me, Exstead."


	5. Cellophane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)
> 
> Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Reprise Track One: “Filthy Mind”

"I'm drowning.  
So come inside.  
Welcome to my filthy mind."

 

 _“I need you,” she murmurs, curling herself into me, as if trying to become a permanent part of me. And I wouldn’t stop her if my own life depended on it. She’s all I need._

 _“Come on,” she suddenly says, slipping from my side like a shadow, and pulls me toward a door I’ve never seen. Upon opening it, she guides me into a room filled with the tiniest details of my most carnal fantasies ever. And now, she just stands there in the middle of the room, an eager smile on her face, and waits for me to do something…anything._

 

Track Five: “Cellophane”

“Nobody moves me  
I've been through this life  
with no place that I can call my own.  
Thinking above me   
I never seem to find   
anybody that can feel like home   
and I try and I try and I try.”

 

There's something very comforting about being on your own sometimes. Like today, for example. It's Visitor's Day, and the commons room is filled with recovering addicts and their families; some are having good visits, some are faking good visits, and some are doing their best to have a rip roaring fight quietly. No one's coming to see me, so I'm steering as far away from there as I possibly can. Even with Casey coming last weekend, it was really uncomfortable to be in that room. He brought me a yellow carnation, said he wanted to make me smile. He succeeded. The blossom's currently pressed in one of those heavy books lining Mac's bookshelves. When it's ready, I'll put it in my journal as one of the good mementos of this place.

"Jinny?"

Speak of the devil, and she appears.

"Yeah?"

She moves into my peripheral vision and settles on the bench next to me. I can see that she's studying the swans, but the set of her shoulders indicates that she'd rather be studying me.

"You're not participating in Visitor's Day today?"

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. "What's the point? Casey has to work, John's an ass, and Dad doesn't want to give up his own alcohol, so why would he come to see me in rehab?"

"Oh." Is that disappointment I hear in her voice? "But Darya told me that there's someone signed in to visit you today. Maybe your brother got the opportunity to come and see you?"

Hope flares in my chest at the thought of someone coming to see me. Even if it's my brother, I don't care. Someone actually cares enough to make the trip out here to see me. But I know better than to think it's really possible.

"Nah, she probably misread the name. I just talked to Casey last night and he said that the guy he was supposed to trade shifts with backed out at the last minute for no good reason. There's nobody else that would come to see me, Mac."

She sighs and shakes her head. "Are you always this optimistic? Maybe Casey made it after all. Why don't we go see? If Darya was wrong, and I end up dragging you down there for no reason, I won't push the point again. Deal?"

"Fine." I stand and watch the swans for a moment longer. "Why are you so interested in Casey?"

"He sounds interesting."

"You're not his type, Mac," I say, starting off toward the main building with her.

"And just what is his type?"

"You got a brother?"

The look on her face is priceless.

++Mac++

"You're a serious pain in the ass, Exstead," I say as we walk into the commons room. It always takes a moment to get used to the cacophony of noise that accompanies Visitor's Day.

Her grin is cheeky, but her eyes are serious as they scan the room for anyone familiar. It takes a moment or two, but I can see the cop in her coming out in that simple action. I see the almost imperceptible stiffening of her spine as she mutters, "Fuck."

"Jinny? Is that you? You look fantastic."

She spins on her heel as a well dressed man comes toward us, a broad grin on his face. Without thought, I grab her arm and stop her from leaving.

"Let me go, Mac."

"Jinny, I was hoping I'd be able to see you today."

"I fucking hate you," Jinny mutters under her breath at me, then turns to face the man with a smile that doesn't even attempt to reach her eyes. "Hi, Teddy."

Teddy? Oh shit…

++Magda++

"You'd better be on the street when I get there, DeLorenzo," I growl, resisting the urge to flip off the slow car in front of me. It's bad enough CD lives in an area that is riddled with one-way streets, I don't need slow-ass Sunday drivers in front of me on top of it.

"I'm hanging out on my front stoop," she replies with a defiant snort. "I know better than to piss you off when you get in one of your moods."

Turning the corner onto CD's street, I can see her waiting by the curb. I purposely gun the engine a little as I come closer and pull in next to the curb. As she gets into the car, I shut my phone and bite back a bark of laughter.

"You bought Jinny flowers?" I ask incredulously at the sight of the yellow carnations.

"Damn," she mutters, scrubbing a hand over her face. It doesn't hide the flush coloring her cheeks. "I shouldn't have listened to Casey's advice. He said they're her favorite flowers, that they'd make her feel better."

I pull away from the curb and head out of town toward the rehab facility Jinny's at. CD is staring out the window and absently playing with the carnations. There's something different about how she's been acting lately, and I'm really not sure what to do about it.

"Is there something I need to know, CD?" I finally ask.

"I don't know," she replies in a soft voice. "I just-- All that matters is that Jinny gets better and knows she has our support, right?" When I nod, she clears her throat. "So why did you ask me to come with you today? I thought you said that Jin forgave you?"

I attempt a nonchalant shrug, but I'm pretty sure she sees right through it. "Jin's said a lot of things in the past year that she didn't always remember or mean. I thought it might be easier if we came together, like we were talking about this last week. Show her a supportive front."

"And hope that she won't make a big scene bitching us out?" she adds wryly, which makes me chuckle.

"Yeah, something like that." Silence descends over the car again, and I consider finding the football game for noise. But somehow I resist that urge, if only to keep her from going on about the damned Seahawks. "So back to my earlier question…"

She shifts to stare at me for a moment. "I'm serious, Magda, I don't know what's going on. And I certainly wouldn't be stupid enough to do anything that would jeopardize Jinny's recovery. Not when you and McCafferty would both have my ass in a sling for doing it."

"Good to know."

++Jinny++

"Mac, this is Teddy, Theodore Blumenthal," I say, attempting a politeness I certainly don't feel as I pull back from the hug I didn't want. "Teddy, this is Dr. Kelly MacKenzie."

"Dr. MacKenzie, it's a pleasure to meet you." And there he goes, hand outstretched, politician's smile pasted on his cute puppy face. Too bad it's all a lie. "And I'm sure that Jinny's told you all about me."

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Blumenthal."

"I'd have been here sooner, but I've been working on a really big case and couldn't get away last weekend to see you. You know how it goes, Jinny," he says, taking my hand in his. "But when Casey mentioned that you could have visitors, I just had to take the time to come and see you, make sure you're doing okay."

 _No, you just wanted to come and see that I'm going to be a compliant little girl who won't ruin your reputation when I get out of here._

"It's okay, Teddy. Last weekend was the first time I was allowed visitors, and Casey came up to see me."

++CD++

"Damn! This _is_ a nice place," Magda says as we pull into the parking lot for the facility. "Nice work, CD."

I grin and grab the flowers before we make our way up to the main entrance. The grounds, what we can see of them from the parking lot, are gorgeous. "The brochure and website don't do this place justice."

We walk in and stop at the front desk, where a young man who looks like he stepped out of a Calvin Klein ad is standing. He glances up at us and smiles graciously.

"Welcome to Camp Recovery," he says. "I'm Kurt, and I assume you're here for Visitor's Day, yes?"

"Yes, we're here to see Jinny Exstead," Magda says.

He pushes a clipboard toward Magda. "We require that all visitors sign in and submit to a check of their person and any possessions to verify that nothing contraband is brought into the facility."

Magda mutters something under her breath about why the hell would we bring contraband when we want Jinny to get better. I simply smile and set the flowers on the counter. "Not a problem. We totally understand that you need to do what's best for your clients."

I submit to his search willingly, anxious to go see Jinny. And then, as she begins to push the clipboard toward me, Magda swears under her breath. "CD, look at the name on line number nine."

Glancing down, I see a far too familiar name: Theodore Blumenthal. Shit! This can't be good. I bounce from one foot to the other while Magda gets her search done, then we follow Kurt into the large room where Visitor's Day is being held. Instantly I'm scanning the room and find my quarry in the far corner. Of _course_ , they're at the complete opposite side of the room from us. As we stand there, we watch Jinny stepping back to get away from him, but Teddy just keeps coming closer into her personal space, grabbing for her.

"No, Teddy!" Jinny's voice carries across the room. "You're not listening to me. Please leave."

Oh hell no!

++Magda++

CD and I exchange a quick glance before we take off for that far corner. No way am I gonna let Teddy Blumenthal fuck up Jinny's recovery. Without thought, we both get between Jinny and Teddy.

"Time to go, Teddy," I say, getting into his personal space, but not touching him. I know how to do the intimidation thing very well. I know that CD's got Jinny handled, and I can more than take care of Teddy, if push comes to shove.

"You can't tell me to do anything, Ramirez," he sneers and tries to grab for Jinny again. "Jinny, you know you don't really want me to leave. You _need_ me."

"No, I don't. You're not good for my recovery, Teddy," she says, tears slipping down her cheeks. "Please leave and don't come back. I don't want you here."

From the corner of my eye, I can see another woman near Jinny nodding toward the door. Glancing behind Teddy, I can see Kurt and two burly guys coming closer. Guards. Nice.

"You don't know what you're saying, Jinny." Teddy's voice is this disgusting blend of cajoling and controlling. "You _need_ me in your life, and I'll be here every weekend until you get out."

"There a problem here, Mac?" one of the men asks as they come up behind Teddy.

"Mr. Blumenthal was just leaving," the woman replies. "Please escort him to his car."

When one of them moves to grab Teddy's arm to escort him out, he pulls away. "Don't you touch me. I'll be back, Jinny, next weekend and every single weekend that you're here. You'll realize that you need me."

"No, Mr. Blumenthal, you won't be back. You are no longer welcome on these grounds. If you should try to come back, that will be considered trespassing, and the authorities will be called."

The men escort him out, and he thankfully stops speaking to further make a spectacle of himself. Once he's gone, I turn around to see Jinny hiding behind CD, clutching her hand tightly. CD stares at the door, a glare on her face that I've only seen aimed at perps before. Shit, that's a scary look! And then, in one fluid movement, she turns and pulls a tearful Jinny into her arms. Jinny's knuckles are white where her hands clutch at CD's coat.

There's something wholly too familiar in their positions, but I can't quite name it, and I certainly don't need to be faced with it right now. Whatever it is they're not sure is happening? I'd say it's happening.

++Jinny++

"You're okay, Jin. Just take it easy."

CD repeats these words softly over and over again as she holds me close. CD feels warm and safe; I don't want to leave the comfort of her arms right now, not if my life depended on it. I hate that Teddy did what he did, and that I couldn't be strong enough to make him understand my point without intervention. I hate that other people had to be witness to my shit like that. Including CD.

Wait! Where the hell did CD come from?

"Jinny?" Mac's voice breaks into the confusion. "Why don't we take this visit out by the pond?"

I pull back to stare at her. "But that's against--"

"I'll be with you while you show your friends the grounds," she says with a grin, cutting in smoothly.

I grin my thanks and scrub my sleeve across my face to try to sop up the tears. God, I feel like a fucking dopey kid right now. How embarrassing! Something catches my eye on the ground, and I lean over to grab a small bouquet of yellow carnations.

"Those are from me," CD says softly, raking a hand through her hair nervously.

"Thank you, CD," I reply, pulling her into a quick one-armed hug. "They're my favorites."

"Yeah, Casey told me." She sounds so shy and unsure of herself, so very not like the CD DeLorenzo I've known and…

Shoving that thought aside ruthlessly, I grin at her before moving to grab Magda in a hug. "So glad to see you guys," I murmur into her hair.

"Same here, _mija_ ," she replies.

"Jinny?"

I pull back to smile sheepishly at Mac, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear again. "Right, sorry. Um, Mag, CD, this is Dr. Kelly MacKenzie. Mac, this is Magda Ramirez, my partner, and CD DeLorenzo, another detective that I work with."

Mac arches her brow at CD's introduction, and I can feel the blush of embarrassment heating my cheeks. Magda reaches forward to shake Mac's hand, then CD does the same.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. MacKenzie."

"Please, you can both call me Mac," she replies, then motions toward the main door. "Shall we take that tour, Jinny?"

++Mac++

Jinny leads CD and Magda outside, and I'm not the slightest bit surprised that she immediately heads back toward the pond. She's talking animatedly at them, actually holding both of their hands as she shows them around. The transformation is impressive.

"Seriously, the website for this place really doesn't do it justice," CD says and whistles in appreciation. "It's gorgeous."

"It's pretty peaceful, too," Jinny replies, grinning shyly at her. "I like coming out here when I have free time. It's been the best part of coming here, to be honest."

As we arrive at the pond, the three of them sit on the bench, Jinny in the middle, and I just watch them interacting. Jinny's talking more about her day to day activities here, which prompts a lot of questions from both CD and Magda. But I notice that when CD and Jinny get talking, Magda watches them closely, a protective look in her eyes. Interesting.

"Oh, here they come!" Jinny's excited voice pulls me from my thoughts. She grabs CD's hand and heads closer to the water. "Come on, you gotta see the swans, CD!"

Magda lingers behind, and I settle onto the bench next to her. "So you're Jinny's partner?"

"Yeah, she's like a sister to me," she says with a smile, eyes still following the other pair's movements. "Is she-- How's she really doing?"

"This is the third week of rehab," I say, watching the duo by the water's edge. "She's doing what she needs to be doing at this point. Beyond that, I can't say anything specific."

"I understand. I just worry about her, you know?"

"I can see that, and I think it's good that Jinny knows that."

++CD++

"They're beautiful, Jin. I can see why you spend so much time down here. Do you ever get to feed them?"

"Oh no," she says, blinking in surprise. "I'd never have thought of feeding them. I just like watching them and wondering…"

There's a note of wistfulness and hesitancy in her voice. I wonder where that's coming from. I shift to study her profile, and I'm struck by the sheer innocence and beauty I see in her face right now. I've never seen her look this happy before. If I do nothing else for the rest of my life, I want to see her with that look on her face on the time.

"CD, do you ever wonder what it's like?"

"What's that?"

She gestures to the swans again. "They're a mated pair, did you know that? They live their entire lives for each other, no one else. And if one of them dies, the other will usually die soon after. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have someone like that in your life?"

Images of Jinny war in my head with images of that cheating bastard I married. Is it sad that I want the images and memories of Jinny to completely obliterate the ones of Paul?

"Yeah, Jinny, I wonder about that a lot."


	6. Blind Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)
> 
> Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Track Six: "Blind Man"

"But I am constantly waiting  
I'm looking for your soul  
I am constantly praying  
I've come looking for you, looking for you"

 

++CD++

"Hey, CD?"

Glancing up at the now far more familiar voice, I smile at Casey Exstead. "Hey, Casey. Going to see your sister this weekend?"

His face lights up with that same lopsided grin that I've come to find to so damned cute on his sister. God, I'm pathetic. My disgust with myself must register on my face because his grin shifts to confusion.

"I decided to do that weekend intensive retreat thing for family and friends," he says, glancing around the bull pen. "You know, the one you told me about? I was wondering if you'd done it yet."

Chuckling ruefully at the subterfuge we have to deal with, I feel my self-disgust fade into the background. "Yeah, I was planning on doing that this weekend. I'd done it before, when I was checking out Camp Recovery, you know, before the intervention. But I think it's a good idea to redo it, now that there's actually a reason for it to mean something."

Something flashes in his eyes at that, and I belatedly realize that I've probably said too much for this far too perceptive and protective brother of Jinny's. Damn it! But, in the space between one breath and the next, he just smiles knowingly and nods, as if a piece of the puzzle has dropped into place.

"Listen, I know this is gonna sound weird, but are you free to grab a bite?"

To anyone else, that probably sounds like a shy attempt at a first date. But I'm not anyone else, and I think we both know exactly what he's doing by asking me. Without hesitation, I save the file I'm working on and lock my computer. I'm pretty much on my own to catch up on paperwork today. Nate's off doing some sort of weird departmental shift meeting, and Magda's out because Ben's sick.

"Give me a sec to let McCafferty know, then we can go, okay?" He nods and moves to sit at Jinny's desk as I head toward the captain's office. The door's open, so I rap my knuckles on it and lean against the frame. "Hey, Captain, I'm gonna head to lunch with Jinny's brother to discuss the weekend program up at Camp Recovery. You need me to bring you back anything?"

"Is that this weekend already?" she asks, glancing at her calendar. "Wait, I thought she was supposed to get out this weekend?"

"No, that got pushed back, thanks to the crap Teddy pulled the weekend before last. She told me on Sunday that she's not getting out for another week or two."

She nods and jots something down on her calendar, then glances up at me again from over the rim of her glasses. "Is Magda going? Or the rest of Jinny's family?"

"No, it's just me and Casey. Magda was going to go, but she had to cancel since Ben's gotten so sick."

Some emotion flits across her face far too quickly for me to do decipher it, and she nods again. "I'm really impressed with your dedication to making sure Jinny's recovery is a success, CD. Come find me when you get back from lunch, okay? I need to go over a few things with you."

"No problem. So that's a no on lunch, then?"

"Amanda," is all she says, lips pursing distastefully. It's all I can do not to laugh. "What I wouldn't give for a nice thick steak right now, medium rare and a little bloody."

+++++

The walk to Antonio's is a quiet battle against the insane winds that have been plaguing us this whole week. We get a corner booth pretty quickly, thanks to a surprisingly slow lunch rush. Once our meals are ordered and we're alone at the table, Casey fidgets slightly. Part of me wants to ask him what he wanted to talk about in private, and part of me just wants to soak in the energy so similar to Jinny's.

"So, it was good to see you at Visitor's Day last weekend," he finally says with a sheepish grin. "I know it means a lot to Jinny to have some time with friendly faces."

"I'm surprised you got to go," I reply. "I mean, with having this whole weekend off for the program and all."

"Yeah, I'm not exactly sure how that happened, but I have a sneaking suspicion that your captain put in a good word for me."

That makes me smile. "I told you that she really does care about Jinny. And yes, I know that Jinny still doesn't quite believe that, but it's okay. She'll figure it out eventually." I pause for a long drink from my water, relishing the tartness of the lemon. "So are we still going up in my Durango? Or did you want to take separate cars?"

"Nah, we can take your beast of a truck," he says with a cocky grin. "I'm kinda curious how it handles."

"Not a problem at all. I like showing him off."

That earns me a laugh, and I'm reminded again of the similarities between Jinny and her younger brother. How the hell they're related to that jackass John still boggles my mind.

"So, can I ask you a question, CD?" When I nod, he continues. "If you've done this weekend program already, why are you doing it again?"

"I guess because there's more at stake now," I finally say, indecision weighing heavily on me as to my specific reasons for repeating the program. "Before, I was just checking out the facility, and I had to leave early anyway because a case came up." Casey nods slowly and studies his water glass for a long moment. "Look, I know there's something you want to know, so just ask, okay?"

He grins sheepishly and rubs at the back of his neck. "Okay, so I'm not trying to be a snoop or offensive, but I gotta know why you're so damned into Jinny and her recovery. I mean, Magda's her partner, not you."

And there it is. How the fuck am I supposed to answer that question? I want to tell him why, but I'm not sure what kind of reaction he'll have. But I suppose it's better to know now than during this weekend program. Taking a deep breath, I decide to bite the bullet.

"Because I care about her, Casey."

"As a friend?" he asks, hazel eyes so like his sister's boring into mine. "Or something more?"

"Yes."

I don't realize that I'm holding my breath against his answer until he blows out a heavy breath of his own. "Wow! I, um… Does Jin know about this?"

"Kind of," I reply truthfully. "I mean, we've kind of danced around the elephant in the room on the phone a few times. And it's not like I could just announce it without any hesitation in front of everyone at Visitor's Day last weekend, and I certainly wasn't going to say anything in front of Magda two weekends ago." His eyes narrow slightly. "And before you ask, _she_ suspects something is going on and has already given me the speech about killing me if I hurt Jinny, so you don't have to. I mean, unless you have a fun and different way of threatening my life over your sister's happiness and recovery."

He laughs at that, but doesn't say anything again until after the waiter delivers our food and leaves again. "I suppose I could try, but I've got a feeling Magda's far more inventive and frightening in her threats than I would be."

"Yeah, you really don't want that little firecracker pissed at you," I reply with a smirk. "Trust me."

Silence settles around us as we start to eat our food. It's not uncomfortable, but I can totally see the wheels turning in Casey's head as he tries to wrap his brain around what I've just verified for him. And then I realize that it didn't feel nearly as scary as I'd expected to tell him, to be honest about this with someone else. Even if he doesn't know everything, he knows what's important, which is that I care about his sister.

"So, CD, are you sure this is the best thing for the two of you right now?" he finally asks after several moments have passed. "Isn't this gonna make her recovery more difficult?"

"Honestly, Casey, if I could tell myself to back off until she's fully on the road to recovery, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but--" I bite my lower lip at the rush of feelings wrapping tight bands around my heart.

"It's okay," he says in a gentle tone, reaching across the table to grip my hand. "We'll talk to Jinny and Mac about it this weekend, okay?"

A surge of emotion shocks down my spine at the thought of fully admitting my feelings to both Jinny and her shrink. "That's not what this weekend's about."

"Yeah, it is. It's a time for Jinny's family to come together and support her in her recovery, and plan on how to keep doing that once she's back out in the real world. Whatever this is between the two of you needs to be brought out in the open, so to speak, so you two can plan on how to deal with it. I want my sister happy, too, and if that's with you, then I'm gonna support you both a hundred and fifty percent. Jinny deserves to be happy, CD, and if you can do that for her, then just do it."

"What about your dad? Your brother?"

"You leave them to me. I'm working on it. I think I can turn Dad around, but John's just a fucking small-minded idiot and a bully. He's the one we'll have to be strong against for Jinny."

I can hear the heavily implied _bigot_ that he won't say out loud when discussing his older brother. I can't blame him for not saying it either. John was horrible to him when he finally came out to the family, and to Jinny at her intervention.

"You're a good guy, Casey Exstead," I reply, "and a great brother. Remind me never to get on your bad side either, okay?"

++Kaitlyn McCafferty++

"You wanted to see me?"

CD is casually leaning against the doorframe when I gratefully tear my eyes away from the report I've been reading. There's a gleam in her blue eyes that wasn't there when she left for lunch, and she looks like part of the weight on her shoulders has been removed. Good for her. She deserves a little happiness in her life.

"Come in and close the door," I say, marking my spot in the report before setting it aside.

She pushes upright, then turns to close the door behind her. As she shifts back around to drop into the seat in front of my desk, I can see the bag in her hand. A saucy grin spreads across CD's face as she drops it on my desk.

"Thought I'd make your day a little brighter," she says, gesturing for me to open it. "And if Amanda finds out, you can blame it on me. She'll probably forgive you then."

That makes me laugh, the sound morphing into a far too intimate moan when I open the takeout container to find veal parmesan. How terrible is it of me to nearly orgasm right here from the sight of food?

"It's not the bloody steak you mentioned, but I thought this would be a good compromise."

"Oh, this is more than a good compromise," I say, closing the container to set it aside for later. "This will be lovely once we're done talking."

"Later? Dig in, Captain!"

"But--"

"Quiet that growling belly, then we'll talk." There's that gleam again in her eyes, but it's marred by a hint of fear. "Seriously, I'm caught up on my reports. I'm bored out there."

Winking my thanks, I practically inhale the entire meal. Is it wrong that I swear my body is betraying me enough to maybe offer a tiny flutter of an orgasm with the first bite of red meat that I've had in months? Dear God, I hope CD doesn't realize what the hell she's started here. I only start feeling the guilt once the entire meal is consumed, but my sated belly is drowning out the guilt. Gum and coffee will go a long way to covering this indiscretion in my daughter's eyes.

"So…"

"Wait. Was it good?"

I glare at CD, resisting the urge to mirror her impish grin. "I practically ate the styrofoam container, Candace. What do you think?" Her riotous laughter is infectious.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?"

And with those words, the levity in the room begins to fade.

"You're going to that weekend retreat with Casey, right?" When she nods, I continue. "How is Jinny doing? Is she going to be ready to come back to work when they let her out?"

"I think she will. She's been doing really well. We talk on the phone almost every night now." She pauses then, looking almost like she's swallowed a bug. Panic flares brightly in her eyes. "Well, when she can't get in touch with Casey or Magda, I mean."

That makes me even more curious, and I decide to just be blunt and dive right in. "CD, we've known each other for a long time now. I'd like to think that we've got a good level of trust between us."

"Yes, ma'am."

She's gone formal. Oh dear, what landmine have I suddenly stepped on?

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Spit it out, CD," I say, perhaps a little too forcefully, and bite back a sigh when she flinches. "What's got you so introspective lately? Is Paul causing issues?"

She laughs at that, a brittle sound that grates on my nerves. "Paul is the least of my worries right now. I just…"

"Are you and Casey Exstead--"

"No! Not Casey." Again with that odd gleam in her eyes. She worries at her lower lip for a moment, staring down at her hands in her lap. "It's Jinny," she finally says, so softly I almost don't hear it.

"Jinny? I'm not sure I understand."

She's quickly on her feet, pacing the room and raking a hand through her hair. She looks like a trapped tiger in a cage. I lean back in my chair, fingers steepled in front of me, and watch her for a long moment. And then it hits me.

"CD, is this going to affect your working relationship with her?"

That stops her in her tracks, and she turns a fearful face to me. "No. No, I don't think so. I don't know." And she resumes her pacing.

"Sit down, CD." She hesitates, but does as I request, hands now fidgeting in her lap. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on. Forget I'm your boss for a few minutes and just talk."

++Jinny++

"Casey! CD! What're you guys doing here?"

Casey envelops me in a tight hug. "We came to do that weekend program for the families. I know we're a little late for it, but better late than never, right?"

Shyly glancing at CD over his shoulder, I smile. "Right. Glad you could both come."

"Magda sends her love," CD says with a smile, "but Ben's still pretty bad with that flu bug he got. She almost had to take him to the ER for his fever yesterday." She digs into the bag on her shoulder and pulls out a manila envelope. "Ben wanted me to give this to you, and to tell you how much he misses you."

There's this little jolt when I take the envelope from her, and a thrill shoots down my spine. I do my best to ignore it, especially in front of Casey, and hope that I'm not blushing too hard. This is just so damned weird! But I distract myself with the sheaf of papers that all have Benny's distinctive drawing style covering them.

+++++

"Hey, Jin, I heard Mac say that you've got free time now, and we just finished the latest family expectations seminar, so I was wondering if there was somewhere you and I can go talk for a little bit? Maybe out by the pond?"

Her question startles me out of my contemplation of the crossword puzzle I've been working on. She grins shyly at me, hands stuffed into her pockets. Glancing quickly at the door, I can see Mac standing there, talking to Casey, but both pause to smile at me.

"Yeah, we can do that. Let me take this back to my room, then I'll be right back."

She nods and follows me back as far as where Casey and Mac are standing. Grinning at my brother, I slip past them and practically run to my room. I toss the puzzle book and my pencil into my closet, grabbing for my warm hoodie. Time alone to talk to CD. What are we going to talk about that we haven't already talked about on the phone or at Visitor's Day?

Oh, duh…

Taking a deep breath, I force myself to walk back down the hall toward the commons room. I can hear them all talking as I come closer. Seems like Casey is going to go have a little chat with Mac while CD and I go have our talk. I'm so glad that he's here, too. It's so strange to know that there really are people that care about me, and want the best for me. What's even stranger is that they actually show, and even tell, me that they do. This whole sober thing is really weird.

"So, Jinny, CD says that you two are going to watch the swans for a little while before dinner. Casey wanted to talk about some possibilities about getting your father and older brother onboard with supporting your recovery. When you come in for dinner, come find us, and we'll all eat together."

"Thanks, Mac," I say, then turn to hug Casey. "Thank you, too, Case. But don't expect Dad or John to come around too easily. If they haven't by now, they probably never will."

"Can't hurt to try, right?" he asks, always the optimist.

"No, it can't." I turn to face CD, suddenly just a little shy.

Casey squeezes my shoulder, giving me just enough of a boost of courage to shake off my temporary paralysis. I reach for CD's hand, almost giddy when she takes it, and lead her out toward the pond. We walk at a leisurely pace, just enjoying the crisp late fall weather. Won't be long now until all of the Christmas hype will be in full swing. What am I saying? Thanksgiving was last weekend. It's all Christmas all the time now. And I'll be getting out close to the big day. I have nothing for gifts for anyone. Maybe my sobriety will be my gift. I only hope it'll be enough…

"Those swans are so beautiful," CD says as we sit down on the bench.

"Yeah, I'm really gonna miss them when I get outta here. They've been such a calming thing for me."

"Maybe we can find some swans at the zoo or something?"

I nod slowly, already positive that they won't be the same, but I appreciate the gesture for what it is. I take a deep breath and turn to study CD for a moment. "So you said you needed to talk about something?"

"Yeah." She goes quiet for a moment, but I can see the emotions flitting through her eyes: fear, resolve, something else I can't quite name. Or maybe I don't want to. "So, um, there's something I need to tell you. Casey's already said that if I don't do it myself, he will. And both Magda and McCafferty will kill me if I don't either."

"Am I out of a job?" I ask, stomach dropping. "And McCafferty can't do it herself? What the hell?"

"No! You've still got a job. That's not it at all. Damn it, I knew I was gonna screw this up!"

"So what is it?"

She closes her eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths before she turns those beautiful blue eyes on me again. She hesitantly lifts her hand, then drops it into her lap again. Without thought, I reach over and grab that hand in mine, gripping it tightly.

"I don't know why this is so hard!" she grumbles to herself, thumb stroking across my knuckles.

"Just say it, CD. You're freaking me out."

She grins sheepishly and rakes her other hand through her hair. "Okay, I'm just gonna say it. I'm not sure how it happened or when it started, but it did. I think I might have fallen for you, Jinny."

Okay, my whole world just dropped out from under me. Did CD just say what I think she said? Does she feel like I do? Oh fuck, what do I do now?

"No, that's a lie," she says suddenly, and I just want to cry. "I don't think anything. I know I've fallen for you."

Before I realize I'm doing it, I smack her in the arm with my free hand. "Don't you scare me like that, Candace DeLorenzo!"

"I'm sorry. I just keep fucking this up."

"No, you're not. You're just nervous, and it's kinda cute when you're like that."

She screws up her face in distaste, but it doesn't hide the faint blush coloring her cheeks. "Cute? Seriously?" But there's a definite note of amusement in her tone.

"Yes, cute. Can I not call you cute?"

She grins and shrugs. "Dunno. Those could be fighting words, you know."

I study her for a moment, just taking in the look on her face. And then I take a deep breath and plunge in with both feet. "Would it make any difference to know that I feel the same way about you?"

"You do?" She seems both surprised and relieved at the same time. When I nod, she tugs me closer into a hug that I gladly return, even if it means letting go of her hand to do it. "Oh god, I was so worried that you'd say you didn't feel like this."

"Seriously? Did you not know that I've talked to you more in the last two weeks than anyone else? I've used almost all of my phone time to talk to you instead of Magda or my brother."

"I didn't know that," she says softly, face lighting up in delight. "But now I understand why Mag kept giving me weird looks when I'd mention talking to you. I'd just assumed… So, where do we go from here?"

I shake my head and pull back to meet her gaze again. "I don't know. They drill not getting into relationships too early into recovery around here, but…" The sadness in her eyes is like a knife to my chest. "But at least you're not another addict, right? And I'm pretty sure you wouldn't try to entice me back to the dark side."

"Don't joke like that."

She gets to her feet and starts walking toward the pond. I feel cold without her presence next to me. And I can't miss the defeated slump to her shoulders. Jumping to my feet, I quickly catch up to her and grab her hand, turning her around to face me again.

"Okay, all joking aside, I don't know what to do at this point. You've been a fantasy of mine for more years than I care to admit, CD. Finding out that you feel the same way I do is kind of freaking me out. I need some time to figure this out. Mac's gonna give me a whole mess of shit when she finds out about this."

"So maybe we shouldn't mention it in the session with her?"

"Oh no, you don't understand. She knows all about my feelings for you. That's been a huge part of my therapy while I've been here."

"Really?" Oh man, she looks so adorable with that deer in the headlights look on her face.

"Yeah," I reply sheepishly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "She'll probably be thrilled to find out that you feel the same way. And she'll have all sorts of rules for how we should proceed." I pause to take a deep breath, trying to calm the pounding of my heart. "I need some time to process this, CD. Can you give me until tomorrow morning?"

And then this really serious look fills her eyes. "Whatever it takes, no matter how long it takes, I'll do it. You and your recovery come first, Jinny, no matter how much I may want other things to happen."

"Wow."

What an inane thing to say! But I have to wonder. Is this what love is supposed to be like? Is this what I've been missing all this time? And not just with CD either.

"You okay?" she asks, eyebrows furrowed in worry, and reaches up to cup my cheek.

"You know, normally I'd be running for the nearest bottle of booze right now," I say, leaning into her hand. "Nobody's ever treated me like this before, CD, and it really does kind of freak me out. But I don't think I want a drink. I think I'd rather deal with this, instead of running away from it like I usually do."

"I'm glad to hear that," she says with a smile. "And I was serious about giving you all the time you need. I don't care how long it takes, I'll still be here."

I return her smile and shift to press a kiss into her palm.


	7. Silver Lining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)
> 
> Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Track Seven: "Silver Lining"

Scared of the things that people say  
Knowing my confidence might fail  
I feel the world's weight upon my breaking back  
I see uncertainty and the visible cracks

 

"I'm not sure I'm ready for this yet, Mac."

She chuckles softly and squeezes my shoulder. "You know, that's actually a good thing to hear from you right now, Jin. When you came in here, you were full of bravado about how you were going to sail through this program and get out faster than anyone ever had."

I grimace, remembering what an ass I was when I was first admitted to Camp Recovery. I don't know that I'll ever be able to apologize for my appalling behavior. There's a part of me that would love to blame it on the alcohol, but I know that's not all of it. I was just a belligerent ass that didn't want to be here.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

I shrug and tuck a lock of hair back behind my ear. "Just thinking about how much things have changed since I first stepped foot into this place, I guess."

"You know you've really come a long way in the last six weeks, Jinny. While there's a part of me that wishes you hadn't needed the extra two weeks in the program, I also know that you have really made a lot of progress. You've still got a lot of work ahead of you to keep your sobriety and your recovery intact, but you've also got a great support system in place now."

I can't help the grin as images of Casey, Magda, Ben, and CD run through my head. I suppose I'm not even all that surprised when I get a flash of McCafferty. There's a part of me that wants to remain pissed at her for what she did, but I know she only did what she thought was best for me. And it _was_ what I needed, too. I can accept that now, even if I still want to rail against her authority over my job.

With a sigh, I shake off that weird sensation that always comes up when I think of McCafferty. I know I'll have to deal with her, but not right now. Right now, I just need to make sure that I get through today. Tomorrow is for tomorrow.

"Jin?"

"One day at a time, right?" I ask, attempting a more self-assured smile than I feel. "I'm just -- I was trying to think too far ahead," I finally say, then turn to make sure I've packed up all of my stuff. Doesn't matter that I've checked and rechecked my backpack probably a dozen times already. It's just nervous energy, I'm sure, but I can't shake it yet. "So…"

She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a business card, holding it out toward me. When I take it, she smiles and says, "I'd really like it if you could check in with me now and then. And I hope you'll give some thought to continuing your therapy once you're settled again. And I definitely expect you to come back for the reunion weekends."

"Yeah, I'm planning to come back for those. If nothing else, I can see the swans again, right?" She chuckles again at that. "And maybe CD can come with me." At the mention of her name, a flurry of butterflies bursts into action in my stomach. Doesn't matter that I'm the one to mention her name, the reaction is still the same.

"I think that would be a lovely idea, Jinny. And I sincerely hope that things work out for the two of you."

"Thanks, Mac," I reply, impulsively hugging her. "I don't want to even think about that not working out right now."

"Just remember--"

"Go slow," I say, finishing her sentence. "I know. And she knows, too. She doesn't want to fuck with my sobriety either. She promised we'd do things the old-fashioned way, with dates and everything. I don't think I've ever had that, you know?"

"That's good to hear that CD's just as willing as you are to take things slowly." She pauses for a moment, and I force myself not to fidget under her scrutiny. "You can do this, Jinny. I have faith in you. And now, I think it's time for you to head back out into the world. CD's probably already waiting for you."

As dopey as it sounds, I have to fight off a nervous, giddy giggle at the thought of CD waiting to take me back home. Shouldering my backpack, I glance around the room one last time to see if anything else of mine has suddenly materialized. Satisfied that I haven't left anything behind, I take a deep breath and tuck a lock of hair behind my ear again -- I think I may need a haircut once I'm out of here -- and walk out into the hallway. Mac follows behind me as I walk down the corridor to the main doors.

As we pass the commons room, I can see Mary in there playing checkers with one of the newer patients. She's been a serious pain in my ass this whole time, but she's back in here again and I'm leaving. There's actually a tiny part of me that feels bad for her, because she just couldn't do it out in the real world. But she had the strength to come back and try again, and she hasn't tried any of her bullshit on me again, so maybe it'll get through to her finally. I step into the room and walk up to their table.

"You outta here finally, Narc?" she asks, a hint of the old belligerence in her voice, but I can see the hopefulness in her eyes.

"Yep. They're finally kicking this baby bird outta the nest," I say, holding out a hand to her. She takes it hesitantly, but returns my firm grip.

"Well, I don't wanna see your ugly cop mug around here again," she says with a mock growl. "You bring this place down, man."

"Yeah, I know," I say, then turn serious for a moment. "And maybe this time you'll make it, too. I want you at the reunion weekend, so I can give you shit."

"Nah, I'll be the one giving you the shit." She grins at me, but I can see the respect in her eyes, and the unspoken pact between us is accepted. "Now, get outta here. You're ruining my game."

"Later, Mary."

We head out to the main entrance, and my heart drops when I don't see CD waiting for me. I think Mac senses my disappointment when she says, "I did hear on the radio this morning that there was some new snowfall last night. There are probably some idiots out there trying to drive in it and not succeeding."

The statement actually helps a lot more than I would have expected it to, but I still take my dear sweet time signing all of my release papers, constantly glancing at the front doors from the corner of my eye.

"Why don't we walk out by the pond one last time, Jinny?" she asks, an eyebrow arched in question. When I nod, she smiles. "Kurt, if Jinny's friend shows up while we're gone, will you direct her back to the pond?"

"Not a problem, Mac," he says, then grins at me. "Good luck, Jinny."

"Thanks, Kurt," I say as we head outside.

Our trip out to the pond is silent; I'm not sure I can handle conversation right now. Once out at the pond, I don't even bother to stop at the bench, heading down to the water's edge instead. I'm surprised that the pond isn't frozen over, especially since Mac mentioned snow, but I'm grateful that it's not. The swans are gracefully circling around each other, never too far apart, but able to eat and preen without being directly next to each other. Exactly what I hope I'll have with CD someday. Stinging heat behind my eyelids is coupled with blurry vision as my emotions get the better of me. Even more than the relationship I've developed with Mac, I'm going to miss this pond and these swans so much. They've been a source of equilibrium for me for the past six weeks.

"Is it wrong that I don't want to leave them?" I finally ask Mac when she joins me at the water's edge.

"Not at all. If you did, you'd be more like that person I met six weeks ago, the one that didn't think she needed to do any work to get her gold star and her job back."

"I'm going to miss them, Mac," I whisper.

"I know," she replies and holds out a small package toward me.

I take it and stare at the bright wrapping paper for a moment before carefully removing it and opening the box. Inside is a photo of the swans; the female is on her nest, the male standing protectively over her, their heads close together. Tears blur my vision again.

"It was taken this last spring, when they last built up their nest," Mac explains. "I've always enjoyed watching them interact, and I thought you might like a good reminder of this place."

"Thank you, Mac," I say, pulling her into a tight hug that she returns. "This is the nicest gift anyone's ever given me. I think I'll put it on my desk in the bullpen as a reminder."

++CD++

When the hell are people going to learn how to drive? I know California's got a bad reputation for drivers, but that's supposed to be down in Lala-land, not up here. Fucking LA drivers need to stay in their own territory, especially when snow's a possibility. Assholes!

Taking a deep breath, I smoothly pull around the idiot that has his Miata half in the ditch. If I wasn't already late, and he didn't have a cell phone, I'd probably call for a tow for him. But I have better places to be. A quick glance at the passenger seat shows the bouquet of yellow carnations I picked up this morning for Jinny. And I can smell the peppermint mocha from Starbucks, with an extra shot of syrup, just like Jinny likes it. Damn it, I should have picked one of those up for myself, too. It smells heavenly! It seemed like an appropriate drink for her just a few days before Christmas. Maybe we'll have to hit a Starbucks for a date before the Christmas drinks are gone again.

A date. Just the thought of it makes me giddy. What the hell do I know about dating? Especially when that dating doesn't include any kind of alcohol. But we'll figure it out, I know we will. And eventually we'll look back on this whole thing and laugh at how tentative and silly we may act now, and I'm okay with that.

The turn-off for Camp Recovery comes up much sooner than I expect, considering the traffic issues I've had to deal with today. And with that, the knowledge that I'm that much closer to picking up Jinny and bringing her back home causes a flood of nervous fluttering in my stomach. God, but I'm a pathetic sap when it comes to this whole thing.

When I finally arrive, I grab the closest spot available and shut the car off. For a long moment, I sit there and try to will my heart to stop pounding in my chest. This is it. Jinny's getting out of rehab and coming home. We can actually start exploring this new and terrifying relationship. And yet, here I am, sitting in my car like a fucking chicken shit.

And then I'm getting out of the Durango and walking into the building for the last time. God, I hope it's the last time. I don't want Jinny to have to go through this all over again, but if she does, she'll do it here. Kurt looks up and smiles; I think he might recognize me at this point, but I'm not sure.

"CD DeLorenzo," I say, hoping I sound steadier than I feel, and set down Jinny's coffee and flowers to sign in if necessary. "I'm here to pick up Jinny Exstead."

"Of course. She and Mac asked me to tell you to meet them out by the pond. Do you know the way?"

I grin and nod, turning to head outside, belatedly thanking him before the door closes behind me. I almost run out back to the pond, anxious to see both Jinny and those gorgeous, serene swans. The cup of hot coffee in my hand precludes me from doing that. The minute I see her standing by the water, my heart starts to pound again. Taking a deep breath, I continue on toward them, glancing briefly at the swans before my eyes return to that familiar dark hair.

"So I heard somebody here needed a ride back to San Francisco or something?" I call out when I get about ten yards away from them.

Jinny stiffens for just a few seconds, then turns and runs full tilt at me. Less than a yard from me, she leaps into the air to wrap herself around my body, nearly bowling the two of us over in her exuberance. "God, am I glad to see you," she whispers, burying her face in the crook of my neck as she holds on for dear life. All I can do is wrap my free arm around her and relish the sensation of her body against mine.

"Me, too," I finally reply, voice strangely rough from the lump caught in my throat, and nuzzle into her temple. The movement throws my balance off slightly and I sway precariously.

When I finally get stabilized again, Jinny reluctantly lets go of me, sliding down to stand on her own two feet. She still hasn't met my gaze yet, and a band tightens around my chest. Glancing up, I can see Mac moving closer, a smile on her face. Okay, that's a good sign. And then Jinny's sniffing at the air and grabbing for the cup in my hand.

"Oh god, that's good!" she says after taking a long, slow drink. "I haven't had good coffee in six weeks."

"If I'd known that, I'd have brought you some when I came to visit," I tease lightly, reaching out to shake Mac's hand as she stops next to us. "Nice to see you again, Mac."

"Nice to see you, too, CD," she replies warmly, then sniffs at the air herself. "Peppermint? Really, Jinny?"

Jinny just grins and takes another drink before shifting to lean against my side. My arm automatically goes around her shoulders, keeping her close. She finally looks up at me, and I'm lost in the clarity of emotions in her eyes. She suddenly hands me the cup and shifts to pull something out of her backpack. "Look what Mac gave me," she says happily, and hands me a framed photo of the swans currently swimming out in the pond. "I'm gonna put it on my desk in the bullpen, I think."

"That's a great idea," I reply, taken aback by the beauty of the image. "I'll just come over to your desk and look at it sometimes, okay?"

She grins shyly and nods, putting it back into her backpack again. "I think that'll be okay."

"Okay, you two should probably start heading back," Mac says. "In case there's a chance of any more snow falling."

Jinny hugs the woman tightly, and I can hear the sniffles over Mac murmuring something to her. She nods and replies with something else I can't hear, then turns to meet my gaze again. The naked fear and hope in her eyes steals my breath away. One of the swans trumpeting breaks our concentration and the emotions are shuttered away as Jinny turns back to Mac again.

"Thank you again, Mac," she says. "For everything. And I will definitely call you to let you know how things are going."

"Good," is Mac's reply as she grins. "And I'll expect to see both of you for the reunion weekend in February."

"Yes, ma'am," I reply. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

And with another round of hugs, we're walking back toward the parking lot and the future. I hand Jinny the yellow carnations, and I'm sure I blush furiously as she places a kiss on my cheek in thanks. Mac chuckles and stands out in front of the building as we get into the car. I can see in the rearview mirror that she doesn't head back into the building until we turn out of the lot. Jinny is quiet for a few moments, staring out the window as we make our way back toward home.

I pull into the first rest stop I find and turn to face her. "Penny for your thoughts?"

She turns to face me slowly, and I can see the fear and hope in her eyes again. "Just thinking about what it's going to be like going back home now. My apartment's probably a mess."

"About that…" I was wondering how the hell I'd bring this up. "Your jackass of a landlord basically pulled an eviction on you."

"What?"

"Casey went to get your mail and saw the notice of intention on the door last week. He called me and we managed to get all of your clothes, books, DVDs, and the like. We didn't get a lot of the furniture because we weren't sure we could get it all moved before your landlord caught on to what we were doing." There's a look of fear in her eyes. "Casey wanted me to tell you that the family heirloom piece is safe. It's at his place right now, along with your clothes. The rest of your stuff, including your stereo and TV are in a storage locker until you figure out what you want to do with it."

She nods slowly. "So the big furniture got sacrificed then?" When I nod, she echoes the movement. "That's probably for the best, I guess. I'll miss that black leather sofa, but maybe I don't need the reminder of just how much I drank on that thing." She sighs softly, then straightens in her seat and meets my eyes steadily. "It's just stuff, it can be replaced, right?"

"Yes, it can."

"So where am I staying then?" The fear begins to creep back into her eyes.

"Casey's roommate moved out while you were in rehab, and he hasn't gotten a new one yet, so you're staying with him for as long as you need."

She nods again and smiles. "Better him than Dad or John, right?"

"He said the exact same thing actually."

Without thought, I reach over to tuck a wayward lock of her hair behind her ear. She leans into my touch and closes her eyes, tension melting away. I shift in my seat and try to pull her closer across the center console. We sit there for long moments in silence, just holding each other.

"Thank you for coming to get me, CD," she finally says. "And for telling me about my apartment. I really appreciate it."

"Anytime, Jin. That's what I'm here for, right?"

"Not just that, but yeah." After another moment or two, she shifts back into her seat and puts her seatbelt back on. "I suppose we shouldn't linger too long."

Reluctantly, I put my own seatbelt back on and start up the Durango again. As we pull back out onto the highway, I reach across to grab her hand in mine, twining our fingers together. She returns my smile as I rub her knuckles with my thumb.

+++++

When we finally hit town again, I don't want this day to end. I don't want to let her out of my sight, but I know I need to. So when she asks me to come up to Casey's apartment to watch a movie with her, I immediately agree. Casey greets us at the door with a big hug for his sister, then pulls me into one, as well.

"Case, I invited CD up to watch a movie with me," Jinny says, coming out of her bedroom after dropping off her backpack. "Is that okay?"

"That's fine," he replies. "I was planning on ordering pizza or something for dinner, since I didn't get the chance to cook you a homemade meal tonight."

"Little Tony's pizza?" she asks, a hopeful note to her tone.

"You got it," he replies, heading off to call in the order.

Jinny digs out her copy of _Star Wars_ and gets it ready for when the pizza arrives. She grins sheepishly at me then. "Do you mind if I go take a quick shower? I'm craving an actual shower with real privacy."

"No, go on! I'll see what's on TV while I wait," I reply, forcing myself to ignore the thought of Jinny naked and wet.

She leans over to press a chaste kiss to my cheek before heading off to her bedroom again. Cupping my cheek with one hand, I flip through the channels until I find the Discovery channel. A strange sense of déjà vu comes over me as I find the same special on snakes that I'd been watching when Magda told me that Jinny'd been asking about me. I take it for the good omen it must be. Casey joins me in watching it while we wait for both Jinny and the pizza.

She comes out in sweats and a t-shirt about half an hour later, just as we hear a knock at the door. She curls up on the couch next to me, bare feet tucked up under her body. My arm automatically goes around her shoulders again, and she sighs contentedly. Casey stops for a moment to watch us when he comes back with the food. He simply sets the box down on the coffee table, then grabs a two liter bottle of Coke and three glasses.

The pizza and Coke taste better than a meal at a five star restaurant, and I find myself completely caught up in the movie. The feel of Jinny next to me is like heaven, and I think my heart melts when she falls asleep against my chest. I will the movie to never end because I just don't want to go home to my lonely apartment.

"Hey, CD?" Casey asks softly, and I know instinctively that he doesn't want to wake his sister. "What're you doing for Christmas?"

"Probably camping out in front of the television and eating frozen pizza," I answer truthfully. It's not like I'll be doing anything with Paul or his family ever again.

"Nope. You're coming over here with me and Jin. Dad might stop by to open presents, but I doubt John'll step foot in this apartment, so we're safe there." He glances at Jinny and smiles. "I know Jinny'd feel better if you were here to celebrate with her."

Part of me wants to decline, because I'm just not sure I'm up for the rest of Jinny's family right now, especially on Christmas. But I want to spend as much time with her as I can, so what else can I do?

"Only if you let me chip in on food or something."

"Deal. We'll figure out the details for the food tomorrow. I mean, I'm assuming you'll be over here for the football game, right?"

Glancing down at the sleeping woman in my arms, I grin. "Wouldn't miss it for the world, Casey."


	8. Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)
> 
> Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Track Eight: "Empty"

This shallow need to feel wanted  
Worshipped and adored and ever be ignored  
I give you love but you don't see it  
You never understand my world is in your hands

 

"Hi, my name is Jinny, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Jinny."

The chorus of greetings grounds me, and I take a deep breath to steady my nerves. These testimonials always freak me out. I hate speaking in public, but this is important.

"Four months ago today, I signed my life over to Camp Recovery to go through rehab. Four months ago today, I started to detox from years of alcohol abuse. Four months ago today, I took my last drink." I pause and close my eyes for just a moment. "There are still days that I struggle with wanting to have a drink, but I resist the temptation every single time. It's not always easy, but I have reasons not to drink now, and it's not just because I don't want to lose my job. Getting sober was the best thing that happened to me. I got another chance at my life, my job, and I found people who really care about me."

+++++

The meeting seemed to go on forever tonight, and I'm not sure why that is. There wasn't anything different about it, other than the fact that I've now been sober for four months straight. But even that's not enough to make me not want to be at a meeting.

Maybe it's the phone call from CD right before I went into my meeting that's causing it. We'd planned on doing dinner and a movie afterward at the apartment, since Casey's got a night shift. CD's been cooking her surprise meal since we got out of work. I had a couple of errands to run, then my meeting, so couldn't even spend a few minutes with her to wind down after the strange case Magda and I were working today.

CD had called to ask me to bring home something for dessert. Maybe that's it. She called it home. She's been practically living at our apartment ever since I moved in with Casey, and even has her own set of keys to the place. She hasn't spent the night yet, always making sure to get home before she gets too tired, but she's always there with us. She even has stuff programmed in the TiVo that Casey bought!

I wander around the snooty, high class grocery store I found, but I can't decide on anything that sounds good. I don't know what CD's making, so I can't figure out what will be a good end to the meal. I hate that she's planning this surprise dinner date, and yet I love every second of it. I finally grab a cherry cheesecake, a bag of Double Stuff Oreos, a gallon of milk, and a beautiful white rose that's still tightly wound in the bud stage.

Resisting the urge to speed, I get home as quickly as possible and lug my booty up to the apartment. Standing outside the door, I can smell the garlic bread, and my mouth starts to water. Oh, she's making Italian tonight. Maybe she's trying Mom's spaghetti sauce. Casey did say she was asking about the recipe last week.

"I'm home," I call as I step into the apartment, hiding the rose under my jacket on the coat rack temporarily.

CD steps out of the kitchen with a broad smile and comes to press a quick kiss to my lips. "Welcome home, babe," she says, a twinkle in her eyes. "What'd you get for dessert?"

She follows me into the kitchen and watches avidly as I set the bags down to put the milk away.

"Well, since you wouldn't give me any hints about dinner, I decided to bring home a couple of things," I reply and pull out the Oreos. "The cheap and easy dessert of Oreos and milk is always fun to have, so that had to come home. And then I found this gorgeous cherry cheesecake and decided to get that, too."

"Both will work perfectly," she says as I put the cheesecake into the fridge, too.

When I turn around, she's right there behind me, and I take a step back to lean against the fridge. CD steps further into my personal space, and tilts her head down for another kiss. Definitely not so chaste and quick this time, and any thought I'd had of a shower before dinner are now shot. Her lips feel soft and warm against mine, and I moan into the kiss when she slips her tongue into my mouth. My arms go up around her neck, fingers tangling in the messy blonde hair that she's started growing out. Her hands move to grip my waist, pinning me in place.

The sound of the oven timer going off is the only thing that pulls her away from the kiss. I can't help but pout when she takes a step back, but that pout turns into a smile as she pulls a pan of bubbling lasagna from the oven. So _that's_ why she wanted Mom's recipe.

"Can you grab the salad?" she asks as she starts to dish up the lasagna and garlic bread on two plates. I do as she asks, adding the food to the plates. "Thanks, Jin. Now go get comfy on the couch. I'll bring in the food."

"Yes, ma'am," I say with a snappy salute before heading out of the kitchen. I grab the rose and set it on the end table, out of her line of sight. Just watching her walk in with our food, a broad smile on her face, makes my heart want to burst from happiness. "It smells delicious, CD."

"Don't start yet," she warns as she sets the plates down, then heads back into the kitchen. When she returns, she has two wine glasses and a bottle of Martinelli's sparkling cider. "Now dinner is complete," she says as she sits next to me.

"Not quite," I reply and reach for the white rose. "I saw this and thought of you." Okay, saying the words makes me feel cheesy, but the delight on her face chases that sensation away.

She brings the bud to her face and takes a deep breath, smile widening on her face. She then pulls me close in a tight hug and sprinkles my face with little kisses until I'm in tears from laughter. "It's beautiful, Jinny. Thank you."

CD's on her feet again to put the flower in water, finally setting it on the coffee table between our plates. We turn on some random episode of that stupid doctor show she's addicted to while we eat our dinner. I have no idea _why_ CD is so into _ER_ , but I'll put up with it for her. Maybe it's that lesbian character that she swears looks like Magda. I don't see it.

++CD++

Dinner turned out perfectly. I am so relieved that I didn't mess up the recipe for the sauce. I'm not sure who would have killed me more for it, Casey or Jinny. But Jinny said it was just like her mom's sauce, so I'll take the success.

Once we finish eating, I send Jinny off for her shower while I clean up the kitchen. All three of us are going to be eating well for the next several days on the leftover lasagna. Cheesecake doesn't sound good right now, so I grab the Oreos and two big glasses of milk to nibble on during our movie.

Sitting on the couch, I stroke the velvety petals on the rose that Jinny gave me. It's so beautiful, and I can feel tears stinging my eyes. I'm not sure what the hell I did to deserve this, but I'm going to do everything I can not to mess it up. Paul has no clue, and I don't want him to. I know exactly what he'd think about this relationship, and I'll be damned if I let him turn it into some tawdry fantasy material.

"Penny for them?" Jinny's soft question pulls me out of my darkly swirling thoughts.

"Just thinking," I reply with a smile as she settles on the couch next to me.

"About what?"

"You. Us. Wondering what I did to deserve this?"

Jinny laughs and snuggles into my side. "I ask myself that every single day, CD. And every time I get the same answer: because I deserve something good in my life."

"I can't argue with that."

The kiss is tender, reassuring. I can taste peppermint on Jinny's tongue from the toothpaste she and Casey like so much. She nips at my lower lip, and I gasp at the sensation. Her chuckle vibrates against my lips and I pull her closer. She feels warm from her shower, and my fingers comb through her damp hair, fisting it briefly just to hear her moan, feel her shiver in my arms. Grinning into the kiss, I tighten my grip on her hair again and begin to trail kisses down the column of her exposed throat. Mint and vanilla, my new favorite scent combination.

"CD," she whimpers, breath catching in her throat when I lightly nip at her neck.

"Hmm?"

"Movie," she finally mutters. I lean back to stare at her for a moment, then start laughing. "What the hell's so funny?"

"Do you even know what movie I chose for tonight, babe?"

When she shakes her head, I just grab the remote and start the DVD. Jinny's delighted, embarrassed laughter echoes in the room as _Desert Hearts_ begins to play.

"Why?" she finally asks, motioning toward the TV.

"I've never seen it before?"

"Really?" I nod, feeling weirdly self-conscious all of a sudden. I hate feeling like that. Jinny's grin grows broader and she shifts to curl into my side again. "Then let's watch the movie. I think you might like it."

+++++

"Oh my," I murmur, completely caught up in the movie.

Don't get me wrong. The story itself is compelling enough, but this love scene? Wow! And how can I not make comparisons between these two characters and Jin and myself? The coloring alone…

Jinny leans up to press a nuzzling kiss below my left ear, and I shudder in response. She chuckles softly and does it again. I can feel my nipples stiffen at the sensation and fight the urge to squirm. Her lips work their way up to my earlobe, tongue tracing around the diamond stud, and suddenly the movie doesn't matter anymore.

She nips her way across my jaw to take possession of my lips, and I shift back to lean against the arm of the couch. Jinny sinuously stretches out along my body, never letting up on the searing kiss. My hands grip her hips, holding her close, as our tongues duel for domination. Her breasts are pressed against mine, and I can feel her nipples through the sweatshirt she's wearing. My right hand slides up her back, under the sweatshirt, stroking her skin just to feel it jump beneath my fingertips.

Jinny pulls back to sit up, straddling my hips, and looks down at me through half-closed eyes. My hand slips around to tease her side and stomach, making her muscles quiver. She worries her lower lip between her teeth, head thrown back, as I shift up to cup her breast. The warm weight feels so right in my palm. Her soft moan as I brush my thumb across her nipple sends a jolt of desire down my spine to pool in the pit of my stomach.

"God, Jin," I mutter hoarsely and lean up to kiss her again. I think I could live on her kisses.

She moans into the kiss and traps my hand against her breast, rocking against my hips. I pull back to watch her again as I lightly squeeze her nipple between finger and thumb. The way she moves above me, head thrown back, is so damned sexy! With a devious grin, I pull her sweatshirt up and capture her free nipple between my lips, eliciting a delighted squeal from Jinny. Wanting to hear that sound again, I lightly scrape my teeth along her nipple.

Jinny arches her back, chest pressing closer to my face, and she grips my hair in her hand to hold my head in place. The taut pull on my hair sends another jolt of desire down my spine, and I growl softly around her nipple, one hand sliding down to rest between her legs. God, she's so hot! She shivers and moans softly in response, then tightens her grip on my hair until I lean back to meet her heated gaze.

"Bedroom," she murmurs huskily, but doesn't move immediately.

Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I nod and tug her sweatshirt down, then lean up to press a gentle kiss to her lips. She nods and rests her forehead against mine for just a moment before she shakily gets to her feet. The now-forgotten movie is turned off, then she grabs my hand and leads me into her bedroom.

++Jinny++

CD closes the door and we're standing here, facing each other in my bedroom. I can see how aroused she is, and I know how damned crazy I feel right now. It's time, damn it! We've been good, going slowly with this relationship, but I need this. I need _her_. Stepping closer, I reach up to pull her head down into a long, slow kiss. I don't want to rush through this first time, I want to savor every damned second of it.

Taking a step back, I maintain eye contact with CD and pull my sweatshirt off. The room is warm, but my skin pebbles in goose bumps anyway. I am snared by CD's eyes darkening with desire as she watches me strip naked before her, and I can't help but shiver under that intense scrutiny. Her eyes possessively travel the length of my body, down and back up, and it feels like her hands are all over me.

She accepts the hand I hold out toward her and walks me backward until I fall onto the bed. Looming over me, CD is motionless for what feels like an eternity before she leans over to take my left nipple into her mouth again. My back arches, and I whimper when her teeth clamp down lightly on the sensitive flesh. My hands go to her hair again, fingers carding through the shaggy locks repeatedly.

CD switches to my other nipple, right hand moving possessively down my side to lightly trace its way back up my inner thigh. Part of me is embarrassed by how wet I am right now, but I don't want her to stop either. She growls softly around my nipple as her fingers explore my lips, always coming close to my clit, but never quite touching it. And then she finally glides a single fingertip across my clit, and my entire body spasms at the touch. God, I think I'm gonna die when she finally lets me come!

She eases two fingers into me, thumb rubbing small circles around my clit, but not quite touching it again. There's a guttural sound coming from her throat when I clench my muscles around her fingers, and I can feel myself getting even wetter.

"Damn, Jin," she murmurs against my skin. "I want you."

"Please?" Do I really sound that needy?

Her fingers pump in and out a couple more times before she removes them. Leaning up on her elbow, she stares hungrily at me and swirls her fingers around my nipple before sucking it clean. She practically purrs as she then licks her fingers clean. Shifting, she kisses her way down my body, fingers again filling me. On her knees at the edge of the bed, she spreads my lips open with her other hand and blows lightly across my clit. My hips shoot up at the sensation, and her forearm rests heavily across my lower belly to keep me in place.

"Oh god," I whimper as her tongue delicately traces around my clit. "Please, CD…"

"Please what?" she asks, the breath from each word caressing my aching, needy flesh. But she takes pity on me and doesn't wait for me to formulate the words I need. Leaning in closer again, she wraps her lips around my clit, tongue flicking back and forth across it. Her fingers pick up their rhythm, a third sliding in to join its mates deep in my pussy.

It doesn't take long for my need to overwhelm me, and I succumb to my orgasm with a loud cry. Body spasming, I can feel my muscles clenching tightly around her fingers, trying to suck her into my body. CD's tongue and fingers continue moving, coaxing my orgasm to extend out into a second one, almost as powerful as the first.

Just when I swear I'll black out from it all, I feel her fingers ease out of my body, and she places gentle kisses on my feverish skin before gently lapping up my arousal. More gentle kisses trail up my body until she's stretched out next to me and gazing down at me with a smile. She reaches down to wipe away the tears on my cheeks, then gently kisses my lips. I can taste myself on her lips and tongue, and my muscles quiver in reaction.

"Shh," she whispers, kissing away more tears. "I'm right here, babe. I've got you. You're okay."

"I love you, CD," I finally whisper when I can get my mouth and brain to work in tandem.

CD blinks in surprise and studies my face for a long moment. There's something unreadable in her eyes, and I suddenly fear that I've said too much. I'm just about to say something, tell her I don't really mean it, when a single tear slips down her cheek.

"I love you, too, Jinny," she replies in just as soft a tone as I did, then kisses me again.

Hearing her say those words eases the fear clenching at my heart, and I roll over to straddle her waist again. More kisses follow as I unbutton the blue shirt that I love on her. In next to no time, she's naked from the waist up and I shift down to feast on her delicate peach nipples. Her soft moans and encouragement spur me on to undo the fly of her jeans and slip my hand into the wet heat between her legs.

But it's not enough, and I scoot back to stand at the foot of the bed, tugging the denim and cotton underwear down her sinfully long legs. I take a few seconds to drink in the sight of my CD naked and flushed with arousal in my bed, and then I'm on my knees, face buried between her legs. CD's just as wet as I am, and tastes of warm cinnamon and lemony honey. Oh, I could easily become addicted to that taste, if she'll let me.

Two fingers slide deep into her clutching pussy as I lash the tip of my tongue back and forth across her clit. She shifts, spreading her legs farther apart, and I add a third, and then a fourth finger. Her entire body is twitching in time with my thrusting fingers and flicking tongue. I can tell she's close; her breathing is coming in short gasps, her hips rising to meet each thrust of my fingers. I bite down lightly on her clit, trapping it between my teeth, and redouble my tongue's movements against it until her entire body stiffens. She grunts softly with each bodily spasm, and I wonder what it will take to make her cry out.

"Babe, wait," she murmurs roughly, hands pressing against the top of my head slightly. "Too much."

Dropping a soft kiss to her inner thigh as I slide my fingers out, I let CD pull me up to lay next to her, head resting on her chest. The steady thrumming of her heart matches my own, and I smile contentedly. With a soft sigh, she tugs at my chin until I meet her gaze again. The naked emotions in her eyes are so intense, so overwhelming, I nearly come again.

"This is why I needed to get sober," I say softly, feeling my own emotions practically choke me.

"Mind-blowing sex?" she asks in a teasing tone, but her eyes are more serious. "Not that I'm complaining, of course."

"I've had a lot of practice and a lot of years to fantasize about it," I admit slowly. When CD yawns and shifts against me, I tighten my grip around her waist. "Don't go back to your apartment tonight, CD. Stay here with me?" She looks like she's going to say something, but I don't let her. "I don't want to wake up alone in the morning and think this was all just a damned dream, or me trying to find solace in some other nameless blonde bimbo that isn't you."

CD's arms pull me closer, almost painfully so, and she leans in to bestow a soul-searing kiss on me. "I'm not going anywhere, Jinny, I promise. We're in this together, right?"

I nod, unable to get any words past the lump in my throat as I remember her saying those exact words in so many dreams. She smiles and shifts our bodies up toward the pillows, and we awkwardly maneuver the covers over ourselves. Another gentle kiss before exhaustion claims me, and I snuggle into her body again, content at last.

+++++

A knock at the door startles me awake, and I don't know where I am for a long moment. And then I recognize CD's lanky body beneath mine and smile. The knock sounds again.

"Jin? Did something happen to CD's Durango?" Casey's voice floats in through the closed door, waking CD, too. "Or did you two finally stop dancing around each other and get your groove on?"

CD gasps in embarrassment and tries to dive under the covers when the doorknob rattles.

"Fuck off, Casey!" I call out to him, and grin at CD.

"Just make sure you're both dressed when you come out for breakfast, okay? There are just some things that a baby brother is _not_ meant to see."


	9. A Child Believes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)
> 
> Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Track Nine: "A Child Believes"

Runaway  
from all that is sacred  
Escaping the shadows over me  
Run away  
You'll never make it  
It's all that a child believes

 

++Magda++

"I can't find her!" CD's voice, more frantic than I've ever heard it, carries across the phone line. "Magda, what if she starts drinking again?"

That pulls me up short, and I mute the TV immediately.

"Slow down, CD. What happened?"

"Jinny and I got into a fight and she took off. She's not answering her phone, and I have no idea where she's gone."

Oh, that can't be good. CD's practically beside herself right now, and I don't blame her. I don't even want to think about where Jinny could be heading right now. The possibility that she's falling off the wagon already over one fight is too terrifying to consider.

"Okay, take a deep breath and calm down. Freaking out right now is not going to help us find Jin." CD's breath hitches, but she does as I request. "Good. Now--" Before I can continue, my call waiting clicks. "Hang on, CD. Let me get the other line. Maybe it's Jinny."

"Okay," she says softly.

Pressing a button, I click over to the other line. "Hello?"

"Mag?"

"Jinny, thank god!" I say, relief flooding through me. "Where are you?"

"McCrory's. I need help."

Just the mention of that bar sends a shiver down my spine. The last time we were there, I nearly got shot. This can't be good.

"Okay, give me a few minutes and I'll be there. I just need to tell CD--"

"Don't tell her where I am!" She practically shouts the words. "Just come down here and stop me from drinking the shot I just bought."

"Okay, I'll be right there. Just hang on, okay, Jin?"

"Just hurry."

"Shit," I mutter as the call ends and I'm brought back to the conversation with CD.

"What?" The panic is even more palpable in her voice now.

"That was Jinny," I reply and continue before she can interrupt. "I'm going to get her right now. She specifically said she doesn't want you to know where she is. I'll get her calmed down and bring her back here, then I'll call you."

"How in the hell am I supposed to just sit here and do nothing?"

"Because that's what you need to do, CD. Just let me handle this right now."

+++++

The drive to McCrory's feels like it's taking an eternity, but eventually I get there and head into the bar. The jukebox is playing some twangy country song over the din of the patrons, but I ignore it in my search for my partner. And then I see her, hunched over at the far corner of the bar. Making my way to her as quickly as possible, I flash my badge at the guy sitting next to her and slide onto the warm stool when he immediately vacates it.

Jinny looks like shit. Her eyes are puffy, her nose is red, and she's worried her lower lip until it's ragged and bleeding a little. She's huddled into herself, lost in the black leather coat she loves to wear. One hand is clenched in a tight fist on the bar, just six inches from the full shot glass.

"Hey, _mija_ ," I say and rest a hand on her forearm. She jumps at the contact, head whipping around to snarl at whoever has interrupted her. The second she registers that it's me, the fight drains out of her. "Why don't we get out of here? We'll go back to my place--"

"No, I don't want Benny to see me like this," she says, then I watch as the horror fills her eyes. "Oh god, did you have to bring him with you?"

I tighten my grip on her arm until she winces. "Ben's with his dad tonight, and you need to come home with me." When she miserably nods, I release my grip on her arm. "Now, before we go anywhere, you need to answer a question for me. Did you drink tonight?"

"No, I swear it, Mag. I wanted to, but…" She scrubs a hand across her face with a sigh. "God, this is so fucked up."

"Come on, _mija_ ," I say, throwing a ten on the bar. "Let's get you out of here. Did you drive?"

Jinny shakes her head and says, "Cab."

She follows me meekly out to my car, arms wrapped tightly around her chest. For long moments, she stares out the window, but I doubt she actually sees anything. I want to do something, say something, but I've no idea what. Instead, I focus on getting her away from the temptations again. When her phone rings, she glances at it, makes a face, and shuts it off.

"Jin?"

"I have nothing to say to her."

"She's worried about you," I reply, not really wanting to get into this right now, but CD's impatience clearly has made that desire a moot point.

"Yeah, right." She says it in the exact same belligerent tone she had when she was still drinking, right before the intervention. I do not like this sense of déjà vu one damned bit. "She's just feeling guilty."

"Why would she feel guilty?" Do I _really_ want to know the answer?

"She knows why," is all Jinny will say. She remains quiet for the rest of the trip to my place.

Once we get into the apartment, I start making a pot of coffee, sure that we'll all need it before the night's over. Jinny kicks off her boots, hangs up her coat, then curls up in the corner of the sofa with a pillow clutched to her chest. God, she looks so damned lost and upset! If CD really did do something to hurt Jinny, I'll kill her.

"Mag?" she asks as I settle on the couch next to her. "Do you think I'm cursed?"

"Of course not! Why would you think that?"

She turns to stare at me. "Are you kidding? Have you forgotten what a fuck-up I am?"

"But that's been changing, Jin," I reply, shifting to touch her arm again. "You got sober, right? You've got how many days now?"

"Hundred and sixty," she says with a small smile, and I can hear the pride in her voice at that.

"That's good, Jin! And because of that, you were able to keep your job, and you have CD in your life now." She scowls at the mention of the woman she's been dating. "What did CD do? And don't you dare say that she knows what she did. I don't care if she knows; I'm asking you to tell _me_ what happened."

Jinny is silent for a moment or two, before murmuring, "She was flirting with a guy today."

"She was what?"

I will freely admit that I see red the minute she makes that statement. If it's true, I _will_ kill CD for hurting Jinny like that. If it's not true, and I sincerely hope it isn't, I'll do whatever it takes to get them back together. Jinny is so much happier now with CD in her life. I don't want her to lose that.

"That guy that came to talk to her today at the precinct," she explains. "I guess he's her divorce lawyer and needed to talk to her about the case."

"Okay… That doesn't sound like flirting to me, Jin."

She scowls and hugs the pillow closer. "He asked her out to dinner, Mag, right there in the middle of the bullpen. It was so obvious he was into her."

"Did she agree to dinner?"

"I don't know. I left before I could hear her answer."

I bite back a sigh. "Which means you don't know for sure if she agreed or not. And it also means that you don't know exactly _why_ he asked her to dinner."

"But she was flirting with him, Magda. Don't you get it?"

"I think you're the one that doesn't get it, _mija_. CD's totally into you. She doesn't have eyes for anyone else but you. _If_ she agreed to dinner with the lawyer, it was probably to deal with information about the divorce. I know she wants to get it over with, both to get rid of that scumbag of a husband and so that there's nothing standing between the two of you. She loves you, Jin, she's totally crazy about you."

"But--"

"But nothing. If you don't want this relationship to continue, you need to just man up and tell her that."

"I do want it to continue. CD is the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Then don't pull this sabotage shit like you did with Teddy and all the others. You and CD both deserve better than that, and you know it."

++CD++

I jump when my cell phone rings and fumble trying to grab for it.

"Jinny?"

"No, it's Magda," comes a different familiar voice on the other end. "But she's here with me."

"Can I--? Are you calling to break up with me for her?"

She laughs bitterly. "You two are taking the cake for overreacting, you know that?"

"What?"

"Just get your butt over here and talk to your girlfriend," she says, disconnecting the call.

Jamming my phone in my pocket, I head out of Jinny's bedroom -- our bedroom -- and race to put on boots and jacket. Casey's still on the night shift, so I don't have to worry about explaining any of this to him right now. I resist the urge to use the bubble to get over to Magda's place faster. Once on her block, I find a spot, and race all the way up to her apartment. She opens the door with a measuring look for me, but lets me in nonetheless.

Jinny's curled up in a ball on the couch, clutching a pillow. I can see that she's been crying -- hell, _I've_ been crying over this whole mess -- and I want nothing more than to see her smile again. Magda heads into the kitchen as I gingerly sit down next to my girl. God, I hope she's still my girl.

"Jin?" I ask, starting to reach for her, but stop because I don't know what kind of reaction I'll receive from her just yet.

"Are you going to dinner with him?" she asks softly, but won't meet my gaze yet.

"No! I tried to tell you that before you left. He's my divorce lawyer, and if he has something to go over with me, he can bill me for the office call."

"But he was-- And you were flirting with him."

I sigh, and reach over to grip her chin in an attempt to get her to look at me. "Jinny, I apologize if I was flirting with him, but it was completely unintentional. He's not the person I want in my life, you are."

Magda appears again, setting a cup of coffee in front of me. I smile briefly at her, but turn my gaze back to Jinny. I can hear Magda sitting in her chair. I don't want the audience, but I'll deal with it if it means that I can get Jinny to actually listen to what I'm saying this time.

"You looked so happy talking to him," Jinny replies softly.

"I was happy because it sounded like Paul wouldn't contest my demands in the divorce. I was happy because it meant I'm that much closer to having him out of my life for good." I pause for a moment, stroking her cheek. "I saw you leave when Brian asked me out, and my heart sank. I told him that I couldn't because it's a major breach of etiquette, and because I'm not interested in him."

"But--"

"But nothing, babe. I will do whatever it takes to get this damned sham of a marriage over with, so that you and I can be together without any weird strings dangling like that. I love you, Jinny. There is no one else for me."

She nods slowly, eyes closing for a moment. "I fucked up big time," she murmurs.

"Did you take a drink?"

"No," she says, shaking her head. "But I wanted to. It was sitting there in front of me, taunting me. I couldn't get in touch with Dusty, and I was so mad at you. But Magda came to get me."

"And I'd do it again," Magda says with a smile. "You're family, _mija_ , and that's all that matters."

Jinny nods and smiles, then turns to face me. "I'm sorry, CD. I shouldn't have run off like that."

"You scared the hell out of me, you know," I say, throat tight from the memories. "I was terrified I'd get a call that you got hurt, that I'd lose you." She starts to say something, but I press a finger to her lips to silence her. "But you resisted temptation and you got someone to help you, that's all that matters. Tomorrow you go to a meeting and talk about this, and I'll do some research into the names Mac gave you for counseling. Maybe it's time we both deal with our demons, right?"

"I'm not used to someone actually giving a shit."

"I know, and that's why I'm not screaming at you right now and giving you ultimatums. That was the way it was with Paul. You are not Paul, and I’m not Teddy or anyone else that hurt you."

Jinny nods again and leans up for a quick kiss on my lips. Magda snorts from behind us, and I burst into embarrassed giggles, which sets the two of them off.

"This was your first fight, wasn't it?" Magda finally asks. When we both nod, she rolls her eyes. "Well, at least that's over with. So… You two gonna be okay now?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Mag."

She grins and moves to hug Jinny, then me. "Anytime, _mija_ , you know that. And that goes for you, too, CD. But I don't need to see you two kissing and making up, so get outta here, okay?"


	10. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Written: Originally started in 2002. Revised & completed 31 July to 23 October 2011  
> Word Count: 30684  
> Written for: [](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**thelittlebang**](http://thelittlebang.dreamwidth.org/)
> 
> Summary: While in rehab, Jinny finally acknowledges feelings she's been trying to ignore for many years.  
> Spoilers: Just consider the first 2 seasons of the show fair game, okay? Does a nice little AU jink from episode 01x22 "Intervention".  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: Frisked & Conquered  
> Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/  
> Archive: Only at Frisked & Conquered…This is an exclusive to Frisked & Conquered
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of Lifetime Television, Kedzie Productions, Viacom Productions, and Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  This site is in no way affiliated with "The Division", Lifetime Television, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author's Notes: I originally started this story back in 2002, after I'd started watching _The Division_ during its second season. I immediately fell in love with the chemistry between CD and Jinny, and wanted to explore a relationship with them. Around the same time, I'd gotten seriously addicted to the _Ghost Stories_ album by Amanda Ghost. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to do a CD challenge with that album and this couple. I'd started this story and got about 10k words into it before the thing just petered out, mainly because of what Lifetime ended up doing to the characters. This story's been sitting on my hard drive for nearly 10 years now, waiting to be completed, and now it finally has been. I can't be more thrilled to _finally_ have this damned thing off my WiP list. LOL!
> 
> Author's Notes II: I based the rehab facility in this story on [Camp Recovery](http://www.camprecovery.com/), but I made some changes to suit my story. I fully and freely admit that I played fast and loose with the research I did into rehab for Jinny. There are a lot of things happening in this story that just wouldn't happen in an actual rehab situation. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I still chose to take artistic license in how I worked out this story. If that bothers you, I do apologize. I felt that the love story was far more important to tell, and the rehab was primarily a means to an end for Jinny to explore her feelings for CD, and how they relate to her alcoholism.
> 
> Dedication: To my Jinny & CD muses, for never completely giving up on me finishing this project. I hope I did your story justice…
> 
> Beta: Many thanks to [](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**shatterpath**](http://shatterpath.dreamwidth.org/) & [](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**cuspofqueens**](http://cuspofqueens.dreamwidth.org/) for trying to wrestle this beast into submission for me…

Track Ten: "Numb"

All the things that mattered then  
only really hit me when I saw that inside you were scared  
…  
I know the hell that you've been through  
I'm walking side by side with you

 

++CD++

"CD?"

Glancing up, I see Brian Lawrence standing in the doorway. Is it wrong that I'm glad Jinny's out on a case with Magda right now? I really don't want a repeat of the fight we had four months ago.

"Hey, Brian. What brings you here?"

"Do you have a minute?"

He looks and sounds so serious. God, what did Paul do now? For someone who doesn't want to be married to me, he's sure taking his sweet time to get this thing over with.

"Sure." Locking my computer, I lead him out of the building for a little more privacy. "Is there a problem?"

"No, I just wanted to let you know that Paul's signed the divorce papers. They arrived at my office this morning."

"Well, it's about damned time," I reply with a scowl. "He's only been sitting on them for the last month and a half. What's next?"

"My secretary's taken them to the courthouse to be filed. It's just a matter of waiting for the judge to finalize everything, but I'm figuring that shouldn't be more than a week at this point."

"That's fantastic!" I say, seeing Magda and Jinny coming up the sidewalk. Please don't let her think this is something that it's not. "I'll be waiting to for your call to know that it's final."

"I'll let you get back to work then," Brian says with a tight smile and walks away.

"What's final?" Jinny asks as she and Magda come up to me.

"Paul's finally signed the divorce papers. Brian says it should hopefully be another week, then I'll be free of Paul's shit."

Jinny grins at that, and I know she's been itching to go after Paul for taking his damned sweet time over signing those papers. We walk back into the building, and I part ways with them to go knock on McCafferty's door.

"What can I do for you, CD?"

"Got a minute?"

When she nods, I step in and close the door behind me. I can feel her curious gaze on me as I turn to sit down.

"I saw your lawyer out there. Something going on?"

I try to cover my grin, but fail utterly. "Paul's finally signed the divorce papers. Brian said his secretary is filing them today, and hopefully this will all be done in about a week."

"That's wonderful! You've been waiting for this for a long time now, and not just because of Jinny." I flush slightly at the mention of my lover's name, amused that the captain can still make me feel like a teenager sneaking around behind her mother's back. "You two deserve something good out of all of this."

"I'm thinking of asking her to live with me."

"You mean somewhere besides her and her brother's apartment?" she asks, arching an eyebrow at me, then laughs when I cover my face with my hands.

+++++

The next week goes by quickly, thanks to a case where Nate and I have to work with a JAG officer over the death of a Navy officer. Personally, I'd like nothing more than to punch her in the mouth for her superiority complex and her lack of sharing information and leads with us. Thankfully, Nate finally dressed her down at lunch yesterday, so she's cooperating much more fully now. He's a good guy, my partner. If it weren't for Jinny, not to mention all of the horror stories I've witnessed over partners getting involved, I might be tempted to date him. But my Jinny, fiercely possessive as she may be, is more than enough for me.

And now, here I stand in front of the judge with Brian, Paul and his lawyer standing at the other table, as our divorce is finally declared legal. I am finally free of Paul and his bullshit. I wanted to have Jinny here in the courtroom with me when the judge verified that our divorce was final, but that wasn't possible. I still don't trust Paul not to turn that into some salacious scandal for his benefit. Better that he find out after the fact.

"So, CD, now that I'm no longer your divorce lawyer, how about that dinner?"

Sighing, I turn to Brian, noticing Paul watching us intently, despite the fact that his latest floozy is hanging all over him. "I'm sorry, Brian, but I'm still just not interested."

"I thought I'd give it another shot," he says, closing his briefcase. He stretches out his hand, and I return the handshake. "If you ever change your mind…"

I smile tightly at him, mind already on Jinny and my plans for celebrating this victory. "I don't think I will. Thank you for everything you've done during this whole situation. I'll make sure that your bill gets paid as soon as your secretary sends it over."

And with those parting words, I turn to walk out of the courtroom. It's a beautiful afternoon, and I almost wish I hadn't driven to the courthouse today. Maybe Jinny and I can take a walk later on tonight to celebrate. Sitting in my truck, I grab my phone and dial a familiar number.

"Exstead."

"Hey, Casey, it's CD."

"What's up?"

"Is there any chance you can clear out of the apartment tonight? I know this is last minute and all, but I just got out of court."

"It's final?"

"Yeah," I reply, feeling that dopey grin spreading across my face that I couldn't show in court. "I was hoping to celebrate with Jinny tonight."

"I'm off today and tomorrow, so I was planning on making my mom's lasagna again for dinner. I can make that, then head out. That work?"

"I owe you one."

"Yep, you do," he replies with a chuckle. "But who's keeping score?"

++Jinny++

"You've got a meeting after work, right?" CD asks as she comes over to lean on the edge of my desk. There's a glimmer in her eyes that has me curious as hell.

"Yeah. Diane's finally getting her one year chip tonight. She's the first one at the meetings since I've started them. I'm kinda curious to see what it looks like."

She grins at that and starts to reach for me, but stops as soon as she realizes what she's doing. "You'll get there, Jin. Only three and a half more months, right? You can do it."

"Yeah, I can. So why were you asking?"

"I was just wondering, that's all," she says, and I can see she's evading giving me a full answer. "Maybe we can go take a walk in the park tonight, instead of a movie? Or we can save the walk for later this week."

"A walk sounds good. I can call you when I get out of my meeting, then meet you at the park?"

"Hey, Jin," Magda says, standing in the doorway of the bullpen. "Let's go. Martinez is willing to talk."

I lock my computer and grab for my jacket as CD stands up. "If I don't see you before the meeting, I'll call you when I’m done, okay?"

"Yep. Stay safe, okay?"

+++++

I step out of my car and sigh happily. The meeting was a good one, and Diane was so proud of herself for finally getting her one year chip. It's been a tough road for her, but she's finally getting back on track in her life, so I'm glad she made this milestone. I only hope mine is as momentous when it happens. I walk over to where CD is leaning against her Durango, a bright smile lighting up her face as she sees me. She leans over to brush a light kiss against my lips, then takes my hand and heads into the park.

"Good meeting?" she finally asks.

"Yeah, it was," I reply and squeeze her hand. "So we didn't really get a chance to talk much today. Anything interesting happen?"

"Not really," she says, then reaches into her pocket to pull out a small packet of papers, holding it out toward me.

Opening it, I quickly scan the contents and feel a broad grin spreading across my face. "Oh my god! It's final? Is _that_ why you left this afternoon? Why didn't you tell me? I'd have gone with you!"

"No, I didn't want you there," she says, then shakes her head when I frown. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I didn't want Paul to find out about us that way, not before everything was truly finalized. And if you'd been there, I'd have been kissing you the second the judge declared our divorce final."

Grinning, I refold the papers and hand them back to her, then lean up to kiss her. She returns the kiss happily, arms loosely wrapped around my waist. A catcall from someone walking through the park pulls us away.

"I'm so glad that shit is over with," I reply as we resume our walk.

"Me, too. It means I can finally be free to ask you this question. Jinny, will you move in with me?"

I stop and stare at her for a moment. "Um, CD, what the hell have we been doing for the last four months?"

"I know, but I want us to have our own place. Not that I don't love Casey, because I do, but I don't want to share you at home. I'm getting rid of my apartment as soon as the lease is up. I haven't been doing more than paying the rent and getting my mail from there for so long already… I mean, I'll miss living there after having it for so many years now, but I don't want to start my life with you in a place that still has memories of Paul in it."

I reach up to press two fingers to her lips. "Babe, you're rambling." She blushes and kisses my fingertips. "Of course, I want to live with you. And I don't care where we live, as long as we're together."

"Oh good!" she says with a sigh of relief. "I want to wait to move until after my lease is up in a couple months." And then she pauses for a moment before chuckling. "In fact, my lease is up right before you hit your one year anniversary. So maybe we'll be in our own place for Christmas?"

"I think I'd like that."

"And we can see about getting a new bed for our Christmas present to ourselves," she says, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes suddenly. "Maybe like the one from your dreams?"

Now it's my turn to flush hotly, remembering all the nights that bed tormented me. And I remember confessing about it to CD, too. The look in her eyes that night was full of promises, and now it looks like she might be willing to make good on that.

"I think I'd like that," I finally say.


End file.
